Back to reality

Today was my first day back at work since the surgery. It wasn't as awful as I had been dreading early this week. It was good to see people again, and everybody was pretty happy about my news from the surgery. I might be able to get moved out of the "isolation chamber" back into the newsroom for awhile, since I won't have any treatment for several weeks and my blood counts are good. Of course, as it gets later into December, I'll have to be more careful about being around anyone who's got a cold or something catching. But if I can get back into the newsroom for at least a few weeks, I think that will help my outlook quite a bit.

All OK

Saw the surgeon this morning for all of three seconds. She took a quick look, said it's just a reaction to the sutures and some antibiotic cream will be enough.

Didn't sleep well last night, so I'm off for a nap.

Ugh

Just looked at my sutures, and one of them appears to be infected. It's the one under my arm, the one the surgeon made to check the lymph nodes. One end of the incision is red and kind of swollen, and it looks like there's some pus. Not pleasant (hope you aren't eating while reading this). The other one -- the one she used to go after the lump -- looks OK. I have a call in to my surgeon. I'll update again after I hear from her.

UPDATE, 6:00 p.m. I'll see the surgeon tomorrow morning.

A fine day

Had the follow-up visit with my surgeon this afternoon, and it was good all around. She said when my reports came into the cancer center yesterday, they were jumping up and down! The cancer is gone. I'll have to have a mammogram after the first of the year (after my breast "calms down" from the surgery -- what a mental picture that makes!) just to make sure, but she's pretty confident that it's 100 percent gone!

That doesn't mean I'm out of the woods yet, though. I still have to finish my chemotherapy, another three months, and that will be followed by several weeks of radiation. That won't likely start until after Christmas, though, from what my oncologist told me at the last visit. I'll see her again around the end of this month and will learn more then.

After the doctor's visit, my parents took me to Home Depot and bought me my Christmas present -- a storm door for the front door of my house. That'll be nice, since the door is on the north side of the house. It might be my birthday present, too, but that's OK. It's needed.

Getting a little tired and I'm a bit sore, so I think I'm off for a nap.

Later

Getting better

At least that's what I keep telling myself. I'm still pretty sore from the surgery, but it has been only two days. Sleeping isn't as difficult as I thought it might be. As long as I can prop myself up with enough pillows, I seem to be comfortable enough. The percocet helps, too.

It's been pretty slow around here, but that's what I need. I wish it wasn't so nice out, though, since I'm not really up for getting out and enjoying it. It's been in the 70s and today is supposed to be in the 80s. Maybe I'll at least go sit outside with Nipper for awhile this afternoon.

Watched "Monster In Law" this morning. Get that sent back to Netflix today and see if I can get Star Wars before I have to go back to work.

Not much else to report. Maybe later.

Me again

Thanks, Bec for posting an update today. I was certainly in no shape to do it myself.

I'm doing better now, though, after sleeping most of the day. I'm sore, but don't have a lot of pain, thanks to the percocet. I am able to get up and move around by myself, and am moving my arm a little bit, as the doctor told me to, so it doesn't get too stiff.

I'm taking at least a week off from work, so guess I'll get a lot of movie watching and reading done. My dad came up for a few days to help out. I guess he's staying until Saturday.

Well, "Amazing Race" is on, so I'll sign off now. Tune in tomorrow!

She's Home!

Update! Update! Update!
Surgery is over and Juno is home! Juno's Mom indicates that surgery went very well and there is FANTASTIC news---her lymph nodes were negative of cancer cells and the tumor appears to be gone! Yippeeee! She'll soon learn about future treatments, but no more chemo for awhile.

Juno and her parents extend their thanks for all the thoughts and prayers--THEY WORK!

Personally, I'd like to thank Juno for sharing the details of her battle with this horrible disease. I appreciate the honesty and enjoy the humor which she frequently draws upon. I hope with all my heart that the worst is now behind her!

-posted by Bec

Happy Halloweeeeeeen!

We've had more trick-or-treaters tonight than we've had in the last two years combined. One pair I swear was a teenage girl and her mother! Then there were the three teenage boys who were more interested in dad's cigarette butts in the sand bucket on the porch. You know, if you can drive yourself around the neighborhood, you're maybe too old for tricks and treats.

It's after 8 p.m., and we haven't had any for awhile, so I think I'll dip into the candy bowl.

Tomorrow is surgery day. I have to be at the hospital at 6:30 a.m., and of course tomorrow is supposed to be the coldest morning of the week. Hopefully, it'll just be an outpatient deal. I'll update if I can tomorrow, or maybe between Mom and my friend Bec an update will get posted.

So, to keep my mind off things, here's a Halloween memory:
In my small hometown when I was growing up, the Wicked Witch of the West would come to town every year. Her tent would be set up Halloween night on an empty corner lot downtown. It was decorated with "graves" with hands and feet sticking out and grave markers that said things like "Here lies Less More. No less, no more." Hundreds of kids would be lined up most of the evening to get their "poisoned" apple and some candy from the witch, who sat on her throne. Milling about the crowd would be "the good fairy," (one of the local bankers, who sported a thin, dark mustache and wore pink leotards and a tutu) would hand out shiny new pennies to ward off the witch's curses. There was a tent with hot cider and coffee for the grown-ups. It was always a fun evening.

The best part, though, would be before Halloween night. The witch would run around town, not on her broom, but in a Model-T with personalized "Witch" license plates, chased by a police car, lights and sirens running. She would always stop by the schools, and we could always hear the police siren and know she was coming. Then her screech -- "Happy HalloweeeeEEEEeeen!" would echo through the hallways. The teachers hated it, but we loved it. She would burst into each classroom and greet us in her best witchy cackle and ask if we were going trick or treating and tell us to be sure to stop by downtown for our treats. Then she'd be off, and a couple moments later, the cop would come by, cuffs in one hand, club in the other and ask "Which way did she go?" We'd all laugh and point about six different directions.

A few years later, my mom became business partners with the woman who played the witch, so I got some behind-the-scenes knowledge when I became too grown up for trick-or-treating.

My freshman year in high school, the witch made her rounds as usual. When we heard the police sirens, most of my friends rolled their eyes. "Doesn't she know we're too old for this?" They said.

The next year, we heard the sirens again. Again, my classmates rolled their eyes. But I had the scoop. "She's not coming here this year," I said. "What? Why?" a friend wanted to know. "Maydog (our nickname for the principal) asked her not to come in this year because it disrupts the school day," I replied. "What? He can't do that! Doesn't he know it's a tradition?" My friends were just outraged all day long. They seemed to have a very short memory.

Happy Halloween, everyone.

Getting closer

Less than two days and I go into surgery again, this time for the lumpectomy. I'm a bit nervous. It'll be only the second time I've ever had surgery, and this time I'll be completely under. Hopefully it'll all go well. I trust my surgeon, though. I just hope I don't have to say overnight. If they have to take any lymph nodes, then they'll have to put in a drain and keep me overnight and make sure I know how to handle it. Otherwise, I should just be able to go home.

My dad is here for a few days while I get through the surgery. He'll be moving up here later this month. It'll be good to have him closer, in case Mom and I need the help while my treatment continues, and nice to have him near since he's getting older too. I worry about him sometimes living so far away.

Nipper is doing well. He hasn't had any problems since we started him on the herbal supplement for his liver. He even reminds us when it's time for his "magic cheese."

Not much to say this time around. I'll have more to say probably after the surgery, whenever I feel up to it, so check back sometime late Tuesday.

Random weekend thoughts

Another weekend where I'd planned on getting some stuff done, and my body changes plans. When I woke up Saturday, I was tired. Actually, I first woke up around 4 a.m. and after letting Nipper out to do his thing, couldn't get back to sleep until around 6 a.m. Actually, I've been that way all week. Didn't make work much fun. Back to Saturday, all I really could do was lay around, watch some TV and nap. I did get one load of laundry in the wash, changed my bedsheets and walked the dog, so it wasn't a total waste of a day. Of course, I still have laundry to do. And all those other things I wanted to get done this weekend. I feel a bit better today, though, so maybe I can cross a couple of them off the list.

Some yahoo in a single-engine plane has been buzzing town for several minutes now. It's annoying.

I had a big zit IN my nose all last week that HURT. I finally got it popped Friday. Now the inside of my nose is all scabby-feeling. Add my gunky left eye with a slight infection in the lower eyelid, and I bet I looked great. Red, puffy eye and red, puffy nostril. I didn't feel like I looked great.

I won't go into details of the digestive problems I've been having this weekend. You're welcome.

Cancer ... it ain't glamorous.

Would someone tell that pilot there is no airport here? And to get out of the sky already?

Maybe I'll go clean my desk off and get my stuff and thoughts more organized for later.

Finally

Hey! My blog finallly shows up in Google's blogsearch

What they don't tell you

Warning: The following may contain too much information for the squeamish.

It ain't the big things that are always the most frustrating with cancer. Sometimes, it's the little side effects they just kind of gloss over that cause the most problems. Like, for instance, that the chemo drugs also kill the bacteria in your digestive system. I've had constipation and diarrhea in the same day. Heartburn is frequent. I wouldn't have to worry about the predicted cost increases if I could only figure a way to heat my home with my own gas. You get the idea.

Just had to get that out. As you were.

I rant for life

I just watched tonight's "Dateline NBC" interview with Melissa Etheridge that I taped earlier tonight. I like her music, I respect her for standing for what she believes in, but I think she -- and the media hungry for a ratings bonanza -- are presenting a false picture to future cancer patients in talking about her experience.

On Dateline, Etheridge said she decided to forgo the prescription drugs for a "natural" method -- medical marijuana.

I understand that everyone's experience with cancer treatment is different. I've had it fairly easy, so maybe I'm not understanding what she's talking about. But if what you're using to ease the side effects of chemo leaves you "in another place," glassy eyed, in pain and unable to speak for several days, maybe what you're using ain't working, honey.

Go check out the discussion boards at breastcancer.org. There's a lot of people going through "dose dense" chemo like Etheridge did, but they don't sound like they're near death. In fact, there's a lot of criticism of her talking about this. There was also criticism of when she was Oprah's show a few weeks back (a whole 10-minute interview) that her description of her reaction to chemo -- "that it's taking you as close to death" as you can get -- would have scared a few people off from that treatment if they hadn't already started it. It would have for me.

Really, it should be the media outlets that get the criticism. Especially "Dateline," which is supposed to be a news program. How about presenting a balanced view, NBC? How about the story of an ordinary woman going through breast cancer treatment? Someone who isn't a millionaire rock star who can "erase" six months of her life for treatment without worrying about how to feed her family or if the lights will get shut off? How about breast cancer patients who don't find chemo puts them near death and go back to work two days (or less) after their treatment day? This is the kind of crap that makes me sorry I chose journalism as a career field.

But that's a whole other topic.

Rest of the weekend

The Day of Caring was kind of fun. I'm not a fashion-type gal, but it was fun watching some of the models, who had done it before, and they obviously enjoyed it and had fun with it. Which is what the morning was all of about -- just feeling normal.

I thought the speaker, Susan Hess, was interesting. She's a therapist who uses music in her sessions, and using a native drum, flute and guitar she talked about how cancer affects your life. You go along through life to a certain rythm, and something like cancer suddenly changes that rythm. Treatment is another rythm. Grieving, and then getting on with life after cancer each have their own rythms. She advised finding your own music for each stage. It may sound all new-agey, but I believe in it. I think if I get an iPod and get it engraved, I'll have it say something like "JunO's Medicine Bag."

Today, I think maybe I did too much this morning, because now I'm just kind of dragging. I slept late, since some hay fever kept me up a couple of hours, but I got some laundry started and hung out and put up my new squirrel feeder and bird feeders, which I scrubbed clean Saturday afternoon. And all afternoon today, I've just been kind of laying around, in between getting a few loads of laundry done. It was kind of a beautiful fall day for not doing much anyway. We won't have too many of those left, I imagine.

It's set

Went to bed early last night and forgot about posting. Oh well.

Met with the surgeon Friday morning and had another sonogram. There is still a small tumor there, she thinks, but she believes it is dead tissue. She showed us the latest one compared to the first sonogram, and the tissue that's there is certainly not as large nor as black as the first one!

The lumpectomy is scheduled for the morning of Nov. 1. I have to be there bright and early at 6:30 a.m.! She won't know until she actually cuts me open if it'll be an outpatient surgery or if I'll have to stay overnight. If she has to take any lymph nodes from under my arm, then I'll stay overnight because they'll have to put a drain in and I'll have to learn to deal with that until my body figures out it's got to do some rerouting. If they don't have to take lymph nodes, then I can go home that day. Either way, I think I'll take the rest of the week off. I probably won't feel much like working anyway.

She'll also remove the lump and some of the surrounding breast tissue, then they'll X-ray that to make sure she got enough clear tissue surrounding the cancer. If not, back in she goes to remove some more. I'll be completely under the whole time, at least so it's not like I'll be laying around trying to make small talk.

I'm a little nervous, since this will be only the second surgery I've had in my life, and far more extensive than having the port put in. But it'll be worth it. Maybe I can be over this a lot faster.

My surgeon also said there might be radiation to follow, once I recover from the surgery. That would be once a day, five days a week for I think about seven weeks. Radiation is more localized treatment than chemo, so I guess that's good, but time to do some more research. I'm sure she and my oncologist will be visiting soon anyway and figure out what they think is best. Maybe more chemo, maybe not. We'll see.

Got to go shower and get dressed. Today is the Day of Caring here, a brunch and fashion show for women with cancer. I'm not that much into fashion, but it's a reason to get out of the house anyway!

Later

Two-small Thursday

It's the second full day after chemo, and possibly one of the worst in the cycle. It's hard to explain, but the best way I can put is it's like when you're wearing a shirt that's too small, how it feel across your back and under your arms, around your neck ... that's how my skin feels. Like I put on the wrong torso skin and it's just too small.

My whole body feels kind of tender, but the torso especially so. I don't want to be touched or touch anything, even my clothes to some extent. I can't sit or lie down comfortably, so I have to take something in order to sleep. It'll last a couple days and then I'll be on my way to feeling OK.

Today I also fee l a little more run down than I normally do at this point. Maybe it's because yesterday I actually felt pretty good, compared to past treatments. Instead of just laying around all day, I did manage to take Nipper for a short walk, clean up my closet and change the sheets on my bed. There was a lot of resting in between, though, and I was dead tired by 9:30 p.m. I managed to stay awake through the end of "CSI:New York." I don't know if I could do the same for "Without a Trace" tonight, though. It hasn't really captured my interest so far.

I visit with the surgeon tomorrow, so hopefully will have more good news!

Treatment Tuesday

So today was my fourth treatment -- and the last for awhile. I'll probably have a lumpectomy on Nov. 1, will see my oncologist sometime before Thanksgiving, but won't have to start back on chemo until after Christmas! Happy holidays, indeed.

Today, I was able to stay awake longer than I have the last couple of times. I came in later too, but I don't know if that had any effect. We got to the cancer center about 10 a.m., waiting a few minutes to see the nurse in the exam room where she checked my weight, blood pressure and temperature, and went over the drugs I'm taking and any other problems I might be having.

After a few more minutes wait, Dr. Fields burst into the room (she's got a LOT of energy) and we chatted a bit. She did the "open your mouth and say ahhh" bit, had me follow her finger with my eyes and how well I could press or pull my arms and legs against hers. Everything seemed to check out OK.

Then it was off to the treatment room, where first I had to give a sample for a pregnancy test. I know they have rules, but come on. I have cancer, feel blechy a lot, am bald and my mother lives with me. How much action do they think I'm getting? Anyway, rules are rules. They mix up the chemo drugs, and then it's time to start. They spray my port site with a freeze spray to numb it, then insert the needle and make sure it's got a good blood draw. First is a couple anti-nausea drugs, followed by three chemo drugs. The first and third ones are "pushed," or when the nurse uses a syringe to infuse it. The second one is through a drip IV. The whole process takes about three hours.

Since we went in later today, I got to have lunch brought to me. It really wasn't too bad -- baked chicken breast, baked potato, corn, a corn/rice/celery soup and I think it was carrot cake and iced tea.

We came home around 1:30 to 2 p.m. and I went right to bed. I didn't wake up until just after 5 p.m. Didn't do too much until dinner, Cream of Wheat and a piece of toast, and continued laying around to watch "Navy NCIS" and "Amazing Race." Had some hot chocolate, snuggled with Nipper a lot and that's about it. Probably going to bed soon, and I imagine I'll be home tomorrow. Then it's a visit with Dr. K on Friday. We'll see then how much smaller the tumor is and how that might effect the surgery and what she might recommend for future treatment.

See you tomorrow.

Sunday

The Sundays before my treatment kind of suck. It's worked out where I work the desk at the paper the Saturday before my treatments. That's good on one hand, because I can use my comp day for my treatment instead of a sick day. But on the other hand, I don't get a real weekend. And working all afternoon and all night (about 1 p.m. to midnight) Saturday putting together the front section of the Sunday paper is really more taxing than it probably sounds. Anymore those Sundays are just a waste, because I'm tired -- more mentally than anything -- and don't get around to doing much. A second day off always helped me get things done, whether it was laundry or running errands in town.

I didn't get anything done today other than walking the dog. I need to do laundry and clean up my closet and I should sift through all the crap piled up on my desk one of these days. I've been taking the Wednesday after my treatment off, but I'm still really too tired to do anything then. So I guess for another week, not much will get done.

We had our breast cancer month package in today's paper, and I think it turned out pretty good. It was nice to be able to have some time to work on it, instead of just having Saturday afternoon, which is how it seems most of my Saturdays turn out. I've already gotten a couple compliments on my column, which I put off writing until Friday night. It wasn't that it was that hard to write, it was just the thought of getting to it. I don't necessarily think it's the best thing I've ever written, but I think it got my thoughts across.

Since you have to be a subscriber to read my paper's online content, here's my part of the package today:

Life can change dramatically in an instant.
For me, that instant came on Mother's Day, when, while getting dressed, I felt a lump in my left breast.
I think on some level, I knew instantly. It was cancer. But I’m only 36. Cancer was something old people get.
Or so I thought.
I put off visiting the doctor for several weeks. I did some research on the Internet. There are many other things besides cancer that can cause lumps in the breast of a woman under 40.
Despite that information, I could not keep the thought out of my head — I have cancer.
I learned on July 8 my instinct was right. After a mammogram and sonogram, a biopsy was ordered. I reported that day to Dr. Christine Kelly’s office.
"I think you’re about to become a Kelly girl," she said moments after entering the exam room. It took awhile for the meaning of that to sink in.
Only two things shocked me as much as getting the news I had breast cancer: that I was the fifth woman under the age of 40 Dr. Kelly had diagnosed at that point in the year, and that practically everyone I told about my cancer said that someone close to them had also had breast cancer.
Even though it seemed my life had changed quickly, the next few weeks seemed to move much too slowly. I had cancer, shouldn't we be moving quickly to treat it? But there needed to be tests done to make sure it hadn't spread --— x-ray, CT scan, bone scan, MRI. All came back OK. It was a great relief. But I was eager to start, to get rid of this thing.
That day came Aug. 9. I was scared. I'’ve always been healthy and hardly even gone to a doctor in my adult life. Now all of a sudden I'’d had tests and surgery to implant a type of catheter in my chest and would soon have drugs more caustic than battery acid infused into my body every three weeks.
I am tired for days after treatment and have had trouble with my white blood cell count. Consequently, at work, I have to be separated from my coworkers so I'm not at as much risk for catching a communicable disease, like a cold, that could be devastating to my body. I miss the business of the newsroom, and my coworkers have to make a special effort just to say "hi." It stinks, but right now it is what keeps me at work as much as possible.
I forget things easily. I don'’t know how many times I've walked into the newsroom or into my kitchen and wondered why. I had an overdraft on my checking account for the first time in five years because I forgot to enter a couple purchases in my checkbook record. If if weren't for my mother helping to keep track of my finances, I would not be paying some of my medical bills in a timely fashion. It's very disconcerting when I read through my journal and have no memory of some of the things I describe.
But several things have set my mind at ease. My parents and brother, who have taken all quite well. It seems we've grown closer and been able to talk more openly. My friends and coworkers, who have all offered support and laughs when I need it. My dog, who is always there for me and doesn't care if I don't have any hair. And especially the medical team, from the staffs at Dr. Katrina Hess' and Dr. Kelly's offices and the staff at Hays Medical Center’s Dreiling/Schmidt Cancer Center. They have all be straightforward about what I would be dealing with, yet comforting at the same time. I've also recently found a group of remarkable women, Sisters of Survival, as another means of support. They know what I am going through and are proof cancer can be a new beginning to life, rather than an end.
Tuesday will be my fourth round of chemotherapy. After that, I'm scheduled for a lumpectomy around the first of November, and then three more months of chemo. The treatment has gone well, for which I am thankful. I haven'’t had the nausea and mouth sores and other side effects that can make treatment awful for some, and at my last sonogram the tumor was almost completely gone. I am confident I will beat this thing. It will never far from my mind though, for the rest of my life. Living with and after cancer is a whole new reality. But I won'’t let it get me.

Nipper's better

Took Nipper to the vet yesterday for a follow-up. His blood test came back good. The doc explained that two weeks ago on his blood test, the indicators for his liver wouldn't even register. She suspects he does have a problem with his liver, but doesn't seem real concerned right now. She's got him on an herbal supplement that has dandelion and milk thistle that's supposed to help his liver and wants us to check back in December. Actually, the supplement she had us get came from a local natural foods store, which helped us save over $80 what it would cost through her office. That's a sign of a good vet, if you ask me. I'm sure Nipper's glad he gets to continue his "magic cheese."

Tonight, I went to a meeting of a local breast cancer support group. I was the youngest person there, which I guess is good and bad, but there were quite a few who aren't that much older than me. It was kind of nice to get out of the house for one, and especially among people who could relate to how I feel and what I'm going through. There's just some things I don't want to talk about with just anyone, for various reasons. The Web is OK for that, but it's not quite the same as having face-to-face contact, so I think this group will be a good thing (is that to Martha-ish?).

It's turning cold in our area -- it could get to freezing tonight. Got to go put my cactus plants somewhere safe.

As I was saying ....

I just spent about 15 minutes writing a post, previewed it, then clicked the wrong thing and lost it all. You'd think I could've just clicked my back button, BUT NooooOOOOOoooooo! Thanks a lot, Blogger. (why does Blogger's spellchecker not know "Blogger"?)

Anyway, as I was going to say, last week was OK, but not the best. It seems the effects of the chemo drugs might be a bit accumulative. Normally on the second week of the treatment cycle, I'm on my way to feeling pretty good. But all last week my stomach was a bit queasy, and it seemed the "chemo brain" was worse. I was clumsier than usual, and more forgetful. There were several times I walked out into the newsroom, and couldn't remember why. I was almost in a car accident Friday. I was going to change lanes, signaled, looked behind me and moved into the lane and got honked at by someone who I swear was not there before. I adjusted my mirrors and am real careful driving in city traffic, but it was unnerving.

I also got into a fight with my boss Friday just before the end of the day. We both were shouting at each other. He apologized for his behavior, which I appreciated, but I just kind of mumbled "me too." Not to play the cancer card, but well, hell I have cancer. It, and the future, are on my mind a lot. Not to mention that I have some pretty serious drugs put into me that wreak havoc with my brain and body. I'm going to be moody. And I don't know what will set me off until it happens. Like this morning, our reporter who is writing some stories for breast cancer month e-mailed one of her stories about a support group to me for my opinion. She had invited me to sit in with her on the interview with several of the members last week, and that got emotional at times. But reading that story this morning, I had to close the door to my work area for about five minutes as I cried. I had already heard these women's experiences, but reading about it set me off all over again. I hadn't expected that at all. I just hope I can design the package for Sunday without blubbering like an idiot the whole time.

On to other things. Nipper seems to be doing better. He's eating more of his dog food, not that that stops him from wanting our food any less! He'll go to see the vet tomorrow afternoon, but I'm not sure what to expect. I guess we'll see whether or not she wants to do another ultrasound or blood test or what. I don't know what Nip will do if he doesn't get more pills to take. I always wrap his pills in Velveeta to make it easier to give to him, and call it his "magic cheese." He's come to expect it the last couple weeks, and if we forget he reminds us with The Stare that dogs are so good at doing. I'm sure he'll still expect it after tomorrow.

Mom finished up two skullcaps for me today -- one with chili peppers and one with pumpkins. I also got package today from my brother with a scarf with cool fall colors, a beige skullcap in a neat textured fabric and a cool one with silver dragons. Including ones I've bought and others have given me, I now have 4 bandannas, two scarves and 14 skullcaps. And mom still has six fabrics to make more with. We're going to have to get pictures one of these nights. Maybe I'll post "headcover of the day" shots if we do.

We're feeling better

I'm feeling better about how Nipper is doing. I didn't get a chance to call the vet but late last night I looked up his drugs on the manufacturer's Web site, and the side effects listed for one of them is pretty much what he's been going through -- decreased appetite, increased thirst, behavioral changes. So that made me feel better.

He's not as restless tonight, even though we didn't get our walk in. Tomorrow is the citywide cleanup, so Mom and I went through the garage one more time to put some other stuff out to be picked up, and then, well, it was time for "NCIS" and "The Amazing Race."

That's all for now.

Happy birthday, bro!

Today is my big brother's 39th birthday! That
means I have a year to plot something for the big
4-0. Heh heh heh.

Have a good one, bro.

Nipper again

I'm worried about my dog again. It was a week ago tonight he had his trouble and I stayed up half the night with him.

Overall, he seems fine. He's happy when we get home, excited when it's time for a walk, begs for our food when we eat. But he's hardly eaten any dog food in the last week. I can get him to eat a few handfuls if I handfeed him, but he will not eat from his dish. I even washed it real good last night. I'm tempted to try buying a new dish. Maybe there was a big bug in it and that freaked him out.

He's drinking more water than normal, and urinating more than usual. Maybe that's because of his medicine. Tomorrow I call the vet. His stool seems normal.

Tonight he was real restless after we got back from our walk. He wanted to stay out back, then he wanted in. He lied on the oversized chair for a minute than wanted out again. Then he wandered around the house for a couple minutes and wanted out back again, then wanted in. We went out front and sat in the yard for awhile, and he seemed fine then. We came in and he was a bit restless again.

He seemed to settle down a bit when he got up on the couch and kind of half-lay across a throw pillow. Maybe his stomach or whatever is bothering him again and that makes him comfortable. He's dozed a little and seems more relaxed. Hopefully he's stay calm through the night.

More energy

Feeling better today, although I did sleep a lot. Tonight I do feel like I have more energy, so maybe Sunday will be a better day. There's a citywide cleanup on Wednesday, so Mom and I went through the garage some and picked out some stuff to put out -- old lamps and some other junk we always said we'd do something Trading Spaces-worthy with. There's a bit more room in the garage, and maybe tomorrow we'll decide to throw some other things out. There's some boxes and an old mattress that we'll wait until Tuesday night to put out, since there is a chance of rain between now and Wednesday. Feels kind of good to get rid of junk.

Nipper seems to be doing better. He doesn't have his normal level of energy and doesn't hop up on the bed or the couch as quickly, but he seems like he feels better. I'll see what the vet says sometime early next week. Hopefully it's just some kind of infection. Maybe we can find something to get him to quit eating rabbit poop in the back yard. That might help.

Blood test on Monday. Hope my white blood cell count comes out OK this time.

I ticked off my surgeon

I had an appointment with my surgeon this morning, and was expecting her to put a metal clip in my breast where the lump is. Only when she started the sonogram, she could barely find the lump! In her words, it is "virtually gone." I was just in shock when she said that. I certainly don't think she even expected this. Mom said that when she left the exam room she muttered "I knew I should have put that clip in last time."

Anyway, no clip today, but the chemo and lumpectomy are still on. I guess the surgery will be just a bit more difficult for her to find anything, especially since I'll have one more chemo treatment before then. I think I'm still in a bit of shock. I'm going to go hug my dog and have a good cry before I go to work and spread the news there.

Feeling good today

I was dead tired after yesterday's treatment and slept pretty much the rest of the day, except for watching "Navy NCIS" and the finales of "Big Brother" (ho hum) and "Rockstar:INXS" (J.D. will last the contracted year, probably no more than that).

Today is a pretty good day. I haven't had to take much anti-nausea medicine today, other than the emend, and I had to take nap after lunch, but otherwise I'm feeling good. Stayed home from work, though, since the fatigue is the biggest thing I have to deal with. I usually go back to work Thursday and Friday, but both those days I tire out pretty quick, especially on Fridays, which for paginators at least, is the busiest day of the week getting stuff done for Sunday. Not the boss seems to think it's important to get all that done on Friday. Leave it for the Saturday desk person to finish. Never mind that the Saturday desk person already has a 10 to 11 hour workday and is lucky to get a long enough break to zip through McDonald's drive through for something to eat while working at the computer.

Woops, took a wrong turn there. That's for another blog. Anyway, I'm off in a few minutes to get my Neulasta shot and pick up my lawnmower that I took the shop nine days ago and all they apparently did was change the air filter and the shock, despite the fact I told him I suspected an oil leak. I'm making sure one of them can start it before I them a damn dime, though. And if even if they can't start it, or it's spewing a lot of white smoke still, I'm still taking it and finding someone with better customer service.

Still groggy

But I'm feeling good. None of the nausea or anything, just real tired. We picked up Nipper at the vet, came home and all three of just went right to sleep. I slept until about 7 p.m. Maybe. Seems like I had lunch somewhere in there. Chalk it up to chemo head.

Nipper is doing a little better. He gets up and goes outside. Hasn't eaten any dogfood, but he licked the remains of the mashed potatoes I made for dinner, and I think Mom just gave him some toast crusts a bit ago. He's not himself, but he's better.

Mom's pretty tired, too, but at least we got a treatment room with two recliners today, so I think she got some sleep while I was getting treatment, too.

Getting tired again. Just thought I'd give a short update before heading to bed.

Night, all and sweet dreams.

ruff night & day

I'm still groggy from my treatment this morning, so forgive my any typos or weird run-ons.

Today has not turned out the greatest. Not really about me, but my dog.

A little before midnight last night, he acted like he wanted to go out, so I got up, let him out the backdoor and played a Yahoo computer game while I waited. He wasn't out long, maybe 10 or fifteen minutes, and got a long drink of water like he usually does after coming in from taking a pee (refilling, I guess.). He seemed fine. We went back to bed. I crawled in bed, he lied down on the floor. Pretty soon, I reazlied he was making this kind of little groan on a somewhat regular basis. I got on the floor with him, and his breathing was a bit shallow, and every so often, he pull in his lower abdomen sharply, and that's when he groaned. He also didn't want to get up, not to go outside or even for a treat.

I did manage did get him out the front door, but all he did was lie down on the porch, not go out in the grass to go potty or anything. I finally got himinside and he settled on the floor near the TV. I lied down with him and petted and talked to him, and that seemed to help calm down his breathing to something more normal. I was getting myself worried sick that he would die right there, his chin restingon my arm. And I begged God not to him away from me, not yet. I still need my beast friend to help me get through this rough spott in my life. But I shouldn't be so selfish, I guess. If this will be Nipper's time, I should let it be, and let it be as easy as possible.

Mom got home from work about 6 a.m., andshe sat with us for awhile. After she put her head down for a quick nap, and I took a shower and got dressed, we managed to get Nipper on a blanket that we used to carry him *most* of the way to my car. He didn't like it much and got the last part of gettinginto the back of CRV himself. Such a big, brave boy.

We left him at the vet's, describing the symptoms, and headed over to the cancer center. My check in and chemo was pretty routine. The doc was pretty understanding of why I seemed upset when she came in the exam room. Called the vet from the treatment room and they said the vet wanted permission to do an ultrasound. Told them OK, and that we would stop by on our way back home.

The vet visited with us for awhile when we got there. Nipper does have some sort of mass in his abdomen. She said a blood test would be a good first step, to see if he's got infection. Next step has several options. We could have her (the vet) open him and take a look at what's in there, or we could have an ultrasound-guided biopsy, which she says she's not too comfortable with, but knows a vet who is, or we could have a CT scan. The latter two would mean taking him to Manhattan, to the K-State Vet school. That's kind of along drive.

After the blood test results, she called. Mom took it, so I don't have all the details, but she is prescribing a couple antibiotics for him. She thinks the mass is near his liver, but is not affecting how his liver works. So that's some good news. And I think she'd said earlier the mass is fluid filled, which sounds like it's not awful.

He seems a bit more chipper now that we've got him home, but still awful tired A lot like I feel right now.

Back to bed, then. Think of me and Nipper as well.
Thanks
JunO

3rd time

Tomorrow (Tuesday) is my third treatment. I'm not as nervous as I was the first two times. Maybe it's because I know what to expect (you could argue that fact, since I pretty much slept through the second one). I have seen where quite a few people say the effects get worse as you go along, but I'm hoping I won't see that happen. Even if it does, the side effects I've suffered have been pretty minimal -- just fatigue for about four of five days, and the low white blood cell counts. As long as I can work most of the time, I'll handle this OK.

Ever since my diagnosis, I've talked with one of the reporters at the newspaper where I work about doing a story or stories on bc, especially on the number of younger women who are being diagnosed (my surgeon said I was the fifth person under the age of 50 from our region she had seen this year). She's looking at doing it next month, for Breast Cancer Awareness Month. The reporter suggested I do a first-person account. I think it is a good idea and that it is important to get the word out about breast cancer. I'm just not sure how much I want to be directly involved in the story. Yes, I have this blog and anyone in the world can read it, but here I do have a certain amount of privacy. The only people who seem to be regular readers here are family and friends whom I've sent the link to. If it's in the paper, then everyone will know. Right now, in my daily off-line life, it's really just family, my co-workers, my mom's co-workers, a couple neighbors and a handful of friends who know. Am I ready be stopped in the soda shop at lunch or in Wal-Mart by strangers who want to talk? Or people from my hometown e-mailing or calling? My privacy is something that's important to me, but I also think it's important to let younger women know they're not immune to breast cancer just because of their age or because it hasn't been in their families.

Obviously, this is something I'll have to give a lot of thought to.

Missed it!

I was at a doctor's appointment this morning (female stuff ... you don't want the details) and missed all the excitement at the office today.

The director of the local humane society came to the office today to talk to the executive editor about an abused dog they took in. She brought it to the office with her. The poor thing has a mangled paw that might be amputated and its tail was just a stump, I was told. But, the first thing it did when it got into the editor's office was to take a dump! Apparently, the odor took over a good portion of the office, too. Our clerk went in the women's room and brought out the perfumy-odor covering spray stuff for his office. But that stuff usually just makes it smell like rosey crap for awhile. By the time I got in from my doctor's appointment, though, I didn't notice anything. The funniest part of all this is that my editor isn't really an animal person. I'm sure this just solidified his feelings ... so to speak.

Of course, after one of the reporters told me about this, I couldn't resist. As I delivered a page proof for my editor to look over, I said "So, what's the latest poop?"

I'm sure it wasn't the only ribbing he got today.

Things are going OK

I hadn't realized I hadn't posted all week. Guess that should be a sign things are going really well. Or really, really bad.

No, just kidding. If things get tough, Mom has e-mails for a bunch of friends, including one who has access to update here, if I can't. So no news is good news.

My white blood cell count was low again on Monday, but they let me go to work this time. I have my "isolation chamber" at work -- it's kind of a storeroom off the conference room, so I'm away from the general population for when my immunity is down or if someone in the newsroom gets sick. It's kind of like having my own office. I can play CDs, but my collection is actually kind of limited. If anyone has any suggestions for some new artists I could check out, PLEASE do so in the comments. I'm getting bored with my '80s compilations, greatest hits, etc. Something new would be nice.

It is kind of lonely in my space, though. One of the things I like most about the newsroom is there's always something going on and it's one big open room, so everyone gets keyed in on what's happening. It might be editors and reporters and photogs working on a story, breaking news, someone's personal news (new grandbabies for a couple of people recently), the stuff reporters hear that would never make it into a story (otherwise known as gossip) or whatever's going on in town via the scanner. I don't get all that, and I do miss it. This week the ad manager had a high school and then a college class in to talk about print advertising, and I was grateful just for the human noise!

But, it's what I've got to do, and will have to for awhile. At least when my WBC is up, I can hang out for awhile in the newsroom in the afternoon and chat, as long as no one's sick.

On the hair front, the fallout seemed to slow over the last week or so, leaving me with some baby-fine covering. But that actually got annoying, because even just the breeze from the ceiling fans would blow it around quite a bit. It doesn't hurt, it's just annoying. So I had Mom trim it down real short the other night, to about a quarter inch. It's much better to deal with now. I don't wake up with a big, dark spot of hair on my pillow (or spitting hair out of my mouth) and the shower drains much better! So all is good. As can be.

Long weekend

Day two of the three-day weekend. Hope everyone is doing OK. I know it's not a holiday for a good number of people in the South and their relatives across the country. I wish I could do something to help. Watching the coverage on the news of all the evacuees and those still looking for help in the devastated areas makes me depressed. I can't believe sometimes I'm seeing something in our own country. And I can't believe the lack of immediate response from the federal government. It's not like this hurricane just appeared out of nowhere in one afternoon and surprised us.

It's been five days since my second treatment, and I feel like I'm getting back to a "normal" level of energy. Seems like for about three or four days, I'm just zapped. I worked Thursday and Friday, and was just dead tired by the time I got home, especially on Friday, probably our busiest day of the week. Saturday was mostly just resting, although I did take Nipper for a short walk. We took a longer walk today, and I actually did a bit of exercise. I bought these dumbells a while back, and today used just the bar without the weights for some upper body training. I'll probably do that for a week and then gradually add weight. I just want to be careful with the port and all, although I've read on some bulletin boards some people are back to their normal activity a month or so after surgery. But maybe they were more active than me to begin with.

I do want to be in decent shape when I have my surgery, which will be about the first of November ("decent shape" being a relative term, of course). And I want to make sure I get back into shape after surgery, within whatever limits I'll have afterwards. I've never been real strict about any kind of exercise regimen, except for walking the dog, but I think this is as good a reason to get serious.

Anyway, that's been my weekend. The excitement for tonight and tomorrow will probably be laundry. I'm pretty thankful for something so boring, really, considering how many people are just trying to survive in this world.

Take care.

P.S. Anyone can now make comments again, not just registered bloggers. I changed that for awhile because of the stupid spammers.

Great news!

Saw my surgeon today for my first sonogram since before treatment began ... and the tumor has shrunk! It's 28 percent smaller! Whoo-hoo!

Not having too many side effects this time either from my second treatment. I was tired Tuesday and Wednesday, and went back to work today. Since I don't get a blood test until Monday, we've got me in the "isolation chamber" until we know how my white blood cell count is. It's just a small storeroom off the conference room, but I think I'm going to get spoiled. I've got about twice the desk space I normally do, plus I've got my CD player hooked up to some external speakers (which I never could really do in the newsroom), plus I don't have to put up with all the yakking that sometimes goes on right at deadline. Of course, I kind of miss being around everyone and all that yakking, too. But I have the paper's "Bob the Buffalo" mascot costume to keep me company. He's not much of a talker, though. Maybe I'll get him a skullcap.

Better today

I'm doing good today, so far, at least. Not as tired as yesterday, but I still feel like I need a good nap here in just a bit. Started to feel a bit nauseous at dinnertime yesterday, but took one of my pills and that did the trick. Stayed up long enough to watch "RockStar:INXS" (go, Jordis) and went to bed shortly after. So I'm staying home from work today, although I might drip in for a bit after I get my shot this afternoon. Or I might go to Orcheln (a farm store) and see if they have any decent straw hats I could wear while doing yardwork, since some of the drugs I get make me more sensitive to sunlight.

One of Mom's co-workers brought his riding mower out while I was getting treatment yesterday and mowed the west side of the yard for us. I thought was pretty nice. Didn't get to meet him, since I was so tired, but I'll have to get a thank-you card she can take to him for me. And one of my co-workers said he'd take our lawn mower into town to see if what ever's wrong with can be fixed under warranty. If not, we'll probably just get it hauled back and up to a neighbor on the other side of the creek who does small engine repair. I think it's just an oil leak, so hopefully it can be done under warranty.

Anywhoo, Mom's got the backyard all mowed now, and is fixing some lunch. Then it'll probably be naptime for me.

Later

doing ok

Had my second treatment this morning. Again, I pretty much slept through the whole thing. Got home about 12:30 and went to bed rigt away and woke up around 6 p.m. Had some cream of wheat of for dinner, and a chololate shake awhile ago. Still pretty tired and I have a headache, so I think I'm going right back to bed, if I can get through to vote for Rockstar:INXS.

More tomorrow.

Good to go

Tomorrow is my second chemo, and after today's blood test, everything is OK to go. I'm a bit anxious about how I'll respond to treatment this time. They'll adjust my dosage on the medications so I my white blood cell count hopefully won't bottom out like last time. And if it does, they'll know what it'll take to get it back up. I just hope the nausea will be about the same as the first time (almost none). I hope it's not worse, and I hope I don't get any worse effects, like the mouth sores and stuff.

At least my treatment will be in the morning, so I'll have all day to rest up, and hopefully, I'll feel fine to go back to work on Wednesday. Hopefully, but I won't push it.

We're slowly getting caught up on the yardwork, now that I've been able to go out and help a little.

The hair continues to fall out. I'm getting a bald spot on the right side near the front, and the rest of the top is really thin and fine, like baby hair. The back isn't too bad. Maybe it'll stay, and it'll least look like I'm just trying to be cool wearing my skullcaps.

Hurricane Katrina: I only know one person in that area, and I heard he evacuated. So I hope all of you or your loved ones in that area are OK, and your homes, too.

Today's forecast

Clouds of hair, continued hair showers.

This morning, noting how thin my hair was getting,
I decided I'd put today's skullcap on before I
left the house, instead of letting my hair finish
drying on the 20-minute drive through the
countryside and putting it on at work. But I
didn't want the hair that's there all wet
underneath the cap, so I grabbed the blowdryer. As
soon as I pointed it at my head, though, a cloud
of hair appeared above me. It got caught in the
drafts of the ceiling and exhaust fans, and just
kind of circled around above me for awhile.

I had to laugh. I don't know if Mom will, since
she's having to run the vacuum cleaner about every day!

Just another day

My brother is at home after his surgery, vegged out on the couch, it sounds like. He came through pretty good and I'm sure he'll be back to normal in no time. My dad is there with him for about a week to help out, so that'll be good for him.

Today was not that eventful. I wore my Snoopy scarf for the last half of the day at work. I was a bit apprehensive about it. I don't know why, because everyone has been pretty supportive. Even a couple of the younger guys at work commented it looked nice -- actually "lookin' psychedelic" and "lookin' colorful." Some of the guys, especially the younger, not long out of college age guys in the office haven't really said much to me since I announced I had cancer. I wonder if it's because being younger and not married, thinking or talking about a co-worker's breast gives them the willies or something. It's the guys who have been married for at least a handful of years who don't have much problem talking to me about it.

The hair continues to shed and it is noticeably thinner, I think. Wearing something on my head kind of helps keep me from brushing it off me constantly. Plus, I should get used to it. And let others get used to it.

I bought one of those iron-on transfer kits for ink jet printers. I'm going to try to make some custom-designed headwear. Maybe I'll post some of the designs later.

All in the family

My big bro, Jim, is having gall bladder surgery today, so send some good vibes out for him.

Back to some kind of routine

I can't begin to describe how great it was to get back to work today. And that's a sentence I never thought I'd say about my current job. There's a lot that's wrong with where I work, mostly corporate hoo-ha that makes me want to puke, but have someone tell you that you cannot do something and you realize how important it is to you. I'm grateful to have a job, first off, but also because of the people. Everyone was pretty great, making sure I was feeling good and doing OK and making genuine offers to help, whether it was coming over to help with yardwork or just taking me out to lunch to keep my spirits up. There's even talk of a "bandana Wednesday" (along with the guys' "Tie Tuesday" and the "Tropical Thursday"), just to show some support. That means quite a lot.

Something a bit disheartening happened today though. I stepped out of the shower only to find I had a bit of a hairy chest. Only it was hair that had formerly been on my head. And all morning, I was brushing hairs off my shoulders. But it turned into a nice event, as I went to get my hair cut short during my lunch break. The stylist and I talked about my cancer and people we knew who had also been through it. And when she was done, she wouldn't let me pay. I teared up a little as a I got out to the car. A complete stranger doing something like was amazing. I'll definitely go back to her at whatever point I need a haircut again. Might be awhile, but I'll go back.

Yeah!

Lab work report today was excellent! I can go back to work tomorrow!

Can't get my therapy

I think the hardest thing about this past week and dealing with the low white blood cell count is that I can't even really get my preferred therapy -- working in the yard. Whenever I've felt down before, I could go always go outside and pull some weeds or trim the grass around my flowerbeds, deadhead some wildflowers and spread the seeds, and then later sit back with something cool to drink and enjoy the yard. But the don't want me working in the yard, since my immune system is so compromised. And so I get to sit and watch Mom do it. Or at least try, because with her schedule, chauffeuring me back and forth to the cancer center every day, the heat and the good mower that needs to get to the shop, the yard has gotten overgrown. The backyard is well over six inches tall, the weeds are choking out the groundcover we planted on the hill and the front and side yard is started to look a little ragged.

My yard isn't gloriously landscaped by any means, but we like what little we've been able to do so far. And now it's hard to enjoy when I see Mom working hard out there in the heat, doing what she can each day, while the rest creeps on behind her.

If my count comes up, maybe next week I can get out and help if I take a few precautions like wearing gloves and long pants, etc. But for now it kind of hurts that I can't do anything.

I'm an oddity

That's what my nurse at the cancer center said today. They've never had a patient whose white blood cell count bottomed out like mine. She explained the formula they use to figure out the count, which I didn't follow enough to relate here, but the number they look for in order for a patient to get chemo is 1,500. Monday, she said, mine was at 90. The lowest it got was 70. So I have had next to no white blood cells in my body. Scary though, huh?

The good news is that it started coming up finally! And it's up a bit more today. They're still taking it day-by-day, so at this point I'm not sure if I can go back to work Monday. I may not know that until Sunday. Or maybe even Monday, if I have to have lab work done again that day.

And, if I get my count back up to where they'll let me go to work, I might not have to be separated from everyone, unless someone I work in close proximity to is sick. Someone sick across the room would be OK, as long I keep contact to a minimum.

I might have to go through this all again the next time, but at least they should have a better idea of what to do.

It worked

Yay! My white blood cell count is up ... just a little. But it's good to hear some good news, no matter how small. I still won't be able to go to work tomorrow, but maybe by Monday I'll be back to an acceptable level. At work, they're trying to come up with a way to deal with this, should it happen again. I don't know that I'll be able to work from home, because apparently that would take a lot of server space due to security concerns. I'm not sure how well it would work to separate me from the general work area, because frankly the ventilation system there scares me. My current workstation is right under an air vent and once in a while some piece of fluff consisting of who knows how many years' worth of crud will come floating down on me. Go in a smaller area like the bathroom and the vents look a cat is laying against it. And even though the building is zoned, with different areas having their own thermostats, I don't think they're actually separate. Someone sneezing in the newsroom might get to me anyway. It's all very frustrating. I miss seeing my friends.

Good feeling

That white blood cell count is coming up. I can feel it. All night, I visualized little white arctic bunnies multiplying and running through my body. This morning when I woke up, my temperature was down to almost normal -- 98.8 -- from the near-100 it had been running at.

So I've got a good feeling those bunnies, er, cells, are multiplying too.

Later

How low can you go?

The hospital just called with the results of today's blood test. My white blood cell count is at 0.8. Holy shit. They don't seem real concerned, just tell me that if I start running a fever I should go to the ER. An online friend who had breast cancer a couple years ago told me today hers got around 2.3 for a couple weeks and they were concerned.

Some good news is that at work, they said they'd check into getting me set up to do some work from home. I think that would help because I've been kind of down about not being able to help with the big deadlines going on this week, or seeing my friends plus just having something constructive to do. Especially today, where the only thing on the local channels was the BTK sentencing ALL DAY.

Send some white-blood-cell increasing thoughts and prayers my way, OK?

Frustrated part II

It'll be back to the hospital today, for a new shot and then more lab work on my blood. I've been taking my pills, getting lots of rest, eating well. Those damn little white blood cells had better start multiplying like rabbits.

I'll update later today, hopefully with better news.

Frustrated

Heard back from the hospital on today's blood count, and my white blood cell count is even lower than it was Monday. I am so pissed! I was wanting to go back to work, I want to work in my garden, take my poor, faithful dog for a walk ...

Cancer sucks. Don't get it.

Setback

I did finally get some sleep last night, after taking half of one of anti-nausea pills. It was amazing the difference it made. Not only did I physically relax, but I was mentally relaxed, too. Even though I didn't get a full night's sleep, the sleep I did get was restful, and when I was awake, I didn't fret and worry and toss and turn.

I felt pretty good when I did get up this morning, but took a turn soon after getting to work. I started to lose my voice, get fatigued and cold. Normally, I think it's cold where I work and end up wearing a sweater inside year-round, but this morning I had to borrow a heavy jacket a co-worker keeps at her desk and wore both hers and mine.

I went in for my first weekly blood test this afternoon and when they called with the results, they said my white blood cell count is really low, which is a problem. So now I have three new pills to take this week in hopes of getting it back up. If it's too low, not only am I more susceptible to catching something, but they can't treat me either. So, I'll be home from work, which isn't great because we've got the Back to School issue to put together and run Thursday. I feel kind of bad about it, because that's a lot of work and want to carry my fair share, but everyone at work does seem to be understanding about it. But still.

I've got to take care of myself, though. That's the important thing.

Rough one

Today was a not so great day. I've had trouble sleeping, and this morning, it really got to me. I've had occasional sleepless nights before, but never a full-blown case of insomnia. It had me worried that there's something wrong, and of course one bad thought leads to another when you can't get to sleep. Did I overdoo it exercising? How can I have a "normal" life if I'm too tired to go to work? If I can't work, what about my insurance? And so on. Maybe I should have called the cancer center's hotline myself when it started to get to me early this morning, but I let Mom do it late this morning after we'd both gotten some sleep. Turns out one of my nausea drugs I can take if I have just insomnia. It should say "or" on the label, not "and." Thanks, drug companies.

I think the hardest part of it was having to ask for help. It's not that easy, especially when you learned to rely on yourself at a young age. I'd come home for lunch during grade school and there'd be no one there, so I'd make my own lunch and make sure I left in time to go play with my friends at recess. It'd be Mom & Dad's bowling night, so my brother and I were left on our own many evenings to keep ourselves occupied (remember the big, green ashtray, bro?). I taught myself to ride a bicycle. So having to ask someone for help means I'm at a place I'm not comortable being. And it's hard to admit I'm there, especially this soon.

Fortunately, Mom's been real understanding. Get mad if I have to, cry if I have to, she said. But you know what? It's really hard to have a good cry when you've got a cute dog who'll lick your tears away.

Whew!

Got some exercise in today, and I hadn't actually realized it's been almost three weeks! Three weeks since my poor dog really had a walk, and even longer since I'd tried doing some yoga. It was tough. Nipper and I got about a block away from home and I started feeling winded! We made it to the park, about four blocks, and I let him off his leash to wander around the creek and the park on his own. He was a good boy. He didn't get very far away from me, and even though he wanted to go wander around town, he obeyed when I called him back. On our way back, he walked slow for me, even. I don't know what I'd do without him through this. He's 10 years old, and I worry he won't be with me much longer. He's been a good friend, and I need him now more than ever. So stay healthy, hound!

I tried some yoga, from a tape of a show on the Health Network that they conveniently put on at 5:30 a.m. I have about two 8-hour tapes worth, so it should last me awhile. I think I'll stay away from those moves that mean supporting my weight with my arms. It didn't hurt, but I could feel my port in my chest. I think I'll just stick with the stretching type moves and maybe work on some upper body work starting with my one-pound weights. Or maybe even just the motions. Just gotta keep listening to my body and not overdo it. That could be the hardest part of getting through this.

A good day

Today seemed to go well. I went to work and made it most of the way. I left a bit early, getting a ride home for a co-worker who lives in my town so Mom didn't have to make an extra round trip. Mom drove me in to work, since she had to get groceries today anyway, and I skipped my morning walk with Nipper to save some energy. Poor dog is going to get the short end of the stick on my bad days. But he's a been a good boy. Tuesday and Wednesday he stayed pretty close by me while I rested.

I caught him going for the bunnies awhile ago. Fortunately, they have all gone (one way or another). I peeked out the back door to check on him in the yard and he had one leg inside the little fence we set up. When he heard the door open he pulled his leg out and looked at me with the most innocent face -- "I wasn't doing anything, I swear!" Heh.

Maybe by Saturday, things will be more back to normal. It's supposed to cool down quite a bit, so maybe I can get a nice walk in with Nipper and take it easy the rest of the day.

Still a little run down, so I'll probably head to bed early tonight.

A small setback

I felt a little worse this afternoon. Mom took me in for my white blood cell booster shot, and when we got back she went to get some gas for the lawnmower, dropping me off at the door. I thought I was just tired and needed to lie down, but as soon as the door closed behind me, I suddenly felt worse. Like I was going to throw up. I lay on the loveseat for awhile, and poor Nipper came and lay down with me (he usually doesn't snuggle in the summer). I didn't puke, but I made it into bed and started having some chills. When Mom got back, I had her get me one of my anti-nausea drugs and took a long nap.

I feel a little better tonight, but took a couple acetaminophen for a headache. I'm probably going to head to bed early and see how I feel in the morning, whether or not I'll go into work.

Later,
JunO

So far, so good

A little tired and weak today, but that's the only problems so far. I took today off, so I slept in and have been taking it easy or napping all morning. Ate some cereal earlier and some toast and juice a bit ago, and not problems. I'll check in later today for a short update.

One down

I'm home from my first chemo treatment. Met with the doc first, and she said my MUMER test or whatever it was Friday turned out OK, so my ticker is good.

It was about as they had already described it for me, and the nurses went through each step and what all the side effects would likely be, which medicines to take when, etc. When they started one of the pre-treatment drugs, I got a bit light headed. Have you seen "That '70s Show," where Eric was in the basement getting high with his friends, and his dad calls him up the kitchen to chew him out for something, and all Eric can focus on is how the kitchen wallpaper is scrolling up or side to side while the clock and the shelves stary staionary? That's exactly what I saw. It was kind of cool, really.

Then I started getting sleepy. I think by the time they had finished "pushing" the second drug and started the IV drip on the third one, I was pretty well out of it. I had Dr. Phil and Oprah on, but I don't reallly remember anything about them. I don't think I'll actually be getting too much reading or writing or anything done during treatment itself.

Came right home and rested on the couch for awhile, then went in my room and took about a two-hour nap. I still feel a big groggy, but that's it so far. Ate a half a turkey sanwich with gaucomole before treatment and had some scrambled eggs this evening. Not feeling sick yet.

I don't feel too bad now, but I think I will go ahead and take my day off from work tomorrow. Hopefully I won't need much more than that, but we'll see.

So I'll finish this up and get back to "Rock Star: INXS." Jordis is singing "Layla." I'll have to go put my vote in for her later. And see about those downloads from the show they were talking about.

Thanks to everyone for the e-mails and encouraging messages.

Getting closer

I'm starting to get a little more nervous about my chemo treatment. But I don't really know why. I've gotten plenty of info, so I know what's going to happen, met some of the staff at the cancer center, and I'll have my anti-naseua drugs at home. Maybe it's just because this is something new and I don't know what to expect after. Will I get sick? Will it be right off, or will it be a couple days after? Will I be too fatigued to go to work the rest of the week? When will I start to lose my hair? How will I really react to that? Up to now, other than feeling a lump, I've got no physical signs I have cancer. Whatever reactions I have to treatment will solidify that I do.

But at least things are finallyl starting to move on. Before, all the poking and injecting and scanning was just more info gathering, really. Now the fight starts. I'm up for it, and I've got family and friends close by offering support and any help they can. Outside of Mom, I don't know how much actual help they'll have the opportunity to be, but just knowing people are there if we need them is a help in itself.

I got my first scarf:

It's from vintagepimp.com. They had some pretty cool stuff.

My goal for the day had been to get all my laundry finished and get my closet organized. I got that mostly done. I still have a load in the washer that I just never got around to hanging out or putting in the dryer. But the closet's pretty well cleaned up (I have a big, walk-in). I had also wanted to get all the cancer stuff organized into the expanding file I bought -- all the info about drugs, diet, insurance, bills, etc all together. Didn't get that done. It'll give me something to to do tomorrow night.

Tomorrow I'll probably stop by the library and see what book(s) I can get, and I got "This is Spinal Tap" from Netflix late last week. I've never seen it (not all of it at least), so maybe I'll watch it Wednesday if I feel up to having a good laugh.

I've gotten used to my port, pretty much. It doesn't hurt anymore. It just kind of feels like ... ummm. I'm not really sure. Sometimes it's like when you pull a muscle and you have kind of knot-like feeling in one particular spot. Other times it's like there's something rubbing against my skin ... only from the wrong side.

I know I've kind of rambled, but that's the kind of day it's been. Not real focused. I'll be at work tomorrow, so I can hope I can get it together. I've got to get a few things done before Tuesday in case I have to take another day or two off. If I don't feel up to posting an update after this week's treatment, a friend has offered to do that for me, so check in late Tuesday or Wednesday.

Later
JunO

Bunny!

Courtesy my pal, Jamie.

Getting closer

Met with the oncologist today, and had a bit of a surprise. She looks younger than me! She was very good to talk to, answered our questions, although she did seem a bit rushed. Maybe that's just because while checking in, I heard one of the office staff say her schedule was crammed.

But it feels good to know more. Friday, I have a heart test to make sure I don't have any hidden heart problems, since one of the drugs I'll be taking can actually cause heart problems. Then my first treatment is Tuesday afternoon. They have private rooms with a TV and VCR for the treatment, and I can always take the laptop to watch a DVD or do some writing. Plus, there's some reading I need to catch up on, so it doesn't sound like chemo will be too awful.

Ask me about that next Tuesday night, when I have my head in the toilet!

For those of you looking for details, I'll get on to it.

The drugs I'll be taking:

• Fluorouracil (5-Fu)
  
• Cyclophosphamide
  
• Doxorubicin

I'll get treatment once every three weeks, with the docs checking on the size of the tumor. Surgery will come after about 12 weeks of treatment, and after about a month to heal from that, another three months of treatment. I'll be on herception for about a full year, too, with weekly injections.

And now the fun part -- the side effects:

• hair loss
  
• loss of appetite
  
• mild rash
  
• darkening of skin (I'm pretty pale, so that might not be a bad thing!)
  
• nausea
  
• allergic-type reactions
  
• cold/flu type symptoms
  ... and my favorite
  
• red pee!
  

The doc also said some people develop a problem with the smell of cooking meat. I hope I don't. Meat. MMMMmmmmmMMMM.

Anywhoo, I guess that's about it for now, at least about the c-thing. Onto stuff that really matters: the bunnies! They've been out of the nest, hopping around the little fence we put up. When I got home, though, three of them were napping in the nest, all bunched up together. One of them had another's ass in his face, and there were feet, little ears and tiny, fluffy tails all tangled together. A fourth one was resting under the dusty miller. So cute!

One of our photogs came out to take pics of them this afternoon, in a desperate search for a photo for the outdoors page Friday, so maybe I'll have something to post tomorrow or Friday.

Better than I thought

Well, no seemed pissed I had to take a couple extra days off. Everyone was pretty understanding, in fact, and showed concern. 'Cept for the guy who brought the cold to work in the first place. He didn't really even acknowledge I was gone. So while he was there Monday morning, I made a big show of how much it hurt to cough, what with having a thing in my chest and all. **Cough*cough** "Ow. Oooh." **Moan, groan.** Just to rub it in a little.

I guess I tend to prepare myself mentally for the worst (that's what my driver's ed instructor always said to do). I psyche myself up (or down?) for getting chewed out about something at work, or pissing someone off, etc, and think about how I would respond (the fantasy, "take this job and shove it" response usually). And then when things turn out better than I thought, it kinda lifts my spirits. On the other hand, sometimes I dwell on the negative so much, it puts me in a bad mood, and then, yeah, I do have a crappy day.

With the cancer, though, I haven't been doing that. It's not like I've been imagining getting the worst possible news from the doc, or planning my funeral, writing my own obit, etc. I've actually been picturing this as being a breeze (I know it won't be). I just imagine that the chemo will be an opportunity to catch up on my reading, or finally writing my best-selling novel, and then a year from now, it's all just a bad memory. Even the possible hair loss doesn't worry me. In fact, I've been browsing for some cool bandanas to wear.

Tomorrow, I found out about my chemo treatment. I'll see the oncologist around 10:30 a.m. (I did so tell you about that appointment, boss, and I have the e-mail in my sent file to prove it!)

I've been going outside with Nipper for awhile at the end of the evening the last few days so he can do his favorite thing -- lay in the grass and occasionally bark at things -- without worrying if he's going to go check out the bunnies in the flower garden, and it's kind of nice. Even though it's been 100+ lately, by 10 p.m. it's pretty nice out. Thousands of crickets are singing in unison, there's still the occasional locust and then there are the Weird Sounds down by the creek. Last night it seemed to be a cantankerous great blue heron. Tonight is pretty calm, though. Just the sound of the wind through the leaves of my precious pecan tree. Very peaceful.

If my neighbor down the alley fires up his noisy truck at 1 a.m. again, I will take my baseball bat and beat the crap out that junker, though.

Better

I am finally feeling better. Wednesday evening, I came down with a cold. (thanks, co-worker who came to work Monday with a constant cough and sniffles). It probably wouldn't have been a big deal, but the surgery probably weakened my system enough it was just too much. I stayed home from work both Thursday and Friday and it's only been today that I feel anywhere near like myself again. Maybe I should have called the doc, just to make sure that's all it was and if she had any suggestions as to what to do, but it's a cold. Or maybe it was the flu, I don't know. Either way, by the time you know you've got it, all you can really do is ride it out, even with the medicine available today.

I guess I will have to watch out for that kind of thing from now on though. The chemo will affect my immune system, of course, so even if they OK me to go to work, should I be worried if a co-worker comes in sick? I'll have to put that on my list of questions for the oncologist Wednesday.

In other news, we have a rabbit's nest in one of the backyard flower beds. Nipper actually found it, unfortunately, and by the time I got him away from it, there was one dead bunny. I don't know if he actually killed it, but they're pretty delicate when they're newborn, so it wouldn't take much to fatally injure one. We fenced off the area, and we just don't let Nipper out by himself, which is kind of a pain, but he always wants to go over there as soon as we let him out. A couple squirts from the hose convinced him I was serious when I said "no!" The bunnies are probably about a week old, so there's ONLY about three more weeks of this! At least mama rabbit didn't abandon the nest.

Tomorrow, back to work. It wouldn't surprise me if I get chewed out for not planning ahead for some graphics that were supposed to be used this weekend. Because I bet there's some people who think I was faking being sick just to get a few more days off. Never mind that I needed a half-hour nap to just recover from getting up to go pee. You can tell I love where I work, huh?

Whoo-hoo!

Dr. K called a little while ago. The MRI was normal! What a relief.

God has a sense of humor

Tuesday, I sent out an e-mail about my cancer to some people I haven't had contact with in awhile. One of them was a former co-worker at the paper who lives in a nearby town and works for a different paper.

She called about 8:30 a.m. yesterday to let me know she was sorry this had happened and would be thinking of me. She asked if she could say a prayer for me. I'm not real religious, but I'm certainly not going to turn away any help from upstairs I can get it, so I said sure. She started saying the prayer over the phone, but shortly after her puppy, a beagle, started barking. If you aren't familiar with beagles, they just don't bark, they bay. So here' s my friend talking to God for me and in the background is this BOOOWWWWOOOOWW! OWWWWWOOOW BOOOOOW! BOWWW! I was trying hard not to laugh, and I think she might have been too. She finished the prayer and said she'd call me right back.

I think UPS or someone had come to her door, because when she called back it sounded like she was opening a package and she said she'd had to order a new keyboard and mouse because of pain she'd having in her arms. The dog was now silent.

I certainly appreciate her wanting to do that for me, but somehow I can't help but think the timing turned out to be a big practical joke orchestrated from somewhere above.

Back home

Surger went well. My right shoulder hurts like hell. that is all for now.

Under the knife

Tomorrow I have surgery to put the Port-a-Cath in my chest. This is the first surgery I've ever had. Well, OK, I had an ingrown toenail removed when I was like 12, but that was just a local and some scissors (yes, it was performed by a doctor).

I'm a bit nervous about it. What if something goes wrong with the anesthetic? What if she hits the wrong blood vessel? What if my lung collapses? I know I really shouldn't be worried. My surgeon is great. She's been straightforward and comforting at the same time, and a handful of people have told me she's a great surgeon, too. It's probably just because it's the first time I've undergone surgery that I have these fears.

I don't go in until noon. Can't eat after 4 a.m., so I might get up around 2 a.m. and have a big breakfast and drink lots of water. At least it's supposed to be cool tomorrow (in the 70s as compared to the 100+ degrees we've been having) and I'll get to enjoy it some.

Wednesday's the MRI. Maybe I can keep the earplugs and sleep with them so Dad's coughing, throat clearing and other biological noises don't keep me up at night. He's just been living alone for too long to be a good guest.

We had a heck of a rain awhile ago. One minute it was a nice shower, and then all of a sudden, we could barely see across the street! Maybe the creek will come up a bit. I wish I'd gotten around to getting a rain barrel or two put up at the downspouts. It'd be nice to save some of that water for the gardens when it gets hot again, and it will.

E-mailed some folks today about the cancer news. Got a response from a former boss saying a Carmen Miranda headdress would be nice if I lose my hair. Just because you said that, DW, I'm going to have to do it! If only for a picture.

It could be worse

That's what I keep telling myself.

The news isn't as good as I had hoped for, but it certainly could have been a lot worse.

The bad news: I do have an aggressive form of cancer, invasive ductal cancer. The CT scan Thursday did show a couple of areas in my upper back that the radiologist suggested be checked more thoroughly, so I'll have an MRI on Wednesday. Mr doctor seems confident that it hasn't spread, though.

The good news is that it is HER-2 positive, and can be treated with Herceptin, which has been shown to be very effective in reducing or even eliminating breast cancer.

At this point, the treatment looks like it will be chemo for three to six months, and the Herceptin for a full year. If there's anything left of the tumor after the chemo, I'll have a lumpectomy. I'll know more after I meet with the oncologist on Aug. 3. Tuesday, I'll have surgery to implant a Port-A-Cath in my chest, which will allow the drugs to be put in my system.

Both of my parents were there with me. Dad seems to be taking this fairly well, which I was worried about. Mom had a hard time today, though. I'm not sure she's really given herself time to take this all in -- her daughter having to deal with something like cancer before she does. She actually said today that she felt like it was her fault. I know it must be hard for a parent to deal with this. I can only imagine, and try to stay strong so that she does too.

But the doctor did say there's no way to know when this cancer even started. Even if I had been making regular trips to the doctor the last 10 years, it might not have been detected before I felt it -- I'm only 36 and probably wouldn't have been getting mammograms every year, if at all yet.

That's what scares me the most. What if I hadn't accidentally brushed my hand under my breast while getting dressed that day? I have never done regular self-exams and I hadn't seen a doctor since I was a kid. I guess I still had a bit of that invincibility mentality we seem to have as teenagers. But if I hadn't felt it that one day, where would I be in a year? Or six months?

Do yourself a favor: no matter how old you are, do a regular monthly self exam and see your doctor.

What a day

So today was the tests to see if the cancer has spread. It wasn't too awful.

It all started about 8 a.m. There was only one needle stick involved, when they gave me an IV. First I got an injection of some radioactive stuff for the bone scan. Then I had to gulp down another bottle of the Redi-cat (nasty stuff) for the CT scan. Fortunately, before I finished it all, one of the techs came to let me know they'd get me in early. He said I didn't have to drink it all if it was making me nauseous. "You had that look in your eye," he said. I bet they've seen that look a lot.

The CT scan and X-ray weren't so awful and I was out of there by 9:30 a.m. Good and bad: good, because I couldn't eat until after the scan and it was actually scheduled for 11 a.m. Bad because Mom had brought me to the hospital and after they called me in, she left to get her own blood test to check her cholesterol, get her oil changed and visit with a supervisor at work about a meeting she couldn't go to. Not having a cell phone, I couldn't get a hold of her to get out of the hospital for awhile. Although even if I did, I wouldn't have talked to her because she didn't even realize she'd left hers in the truck.

So I went to the cafeteria and got something to eat and a bottle of water, then just kind of hung out, reading a newspaper (uh, not the one I work for) and old magazines.

Then it was noon, and time for the bone scan. I had to lie on a very narrow bench (more like a bookshelf) while a couple of big cameras were positioned above and below me (the one above was almost touching my nose) and then it slowly scanned my whole body. That took about 15 minutes. Then the tech took additional images of the ribcage, which took about another 15 minutes. I could see the images on her computer from where I was lying, and it was kind of strange to see my own skeleton. Not that I could make heads or tails out of anything it might show about the cancer.

I'll found out about that tomorrow afternoon, when I visit with my doctor. My dad will be up for that visit. I don't know that he really is taking this all that well. He called the other night to let us know he was still planning on coming up Friday morning. He seemed a little surprised that I answered the phone and the conversation was pretty short. I hope that by meeting my doctor and hearing what she has to say will help put his mind at ease.

Wish me luck

Tomorrow I go in for more tests -- blood work, bone scan and CT scan -- to see if the cancer has spread. I am nervous. I mean, I feel fine, but that might not mean it hasn't spread. I should just hope for the best and try to get some sleep.

That white crap you have to drink, though? Worst. Stuff. Ever.

And I get to drink another bottle of it in the morning.

Again

The pecan tree lost another branch last night. I was sitting at the computer desk at about 12:45 a.m., having just plugged in the laptop so I could finish a game without the battery going completely down when I heard a big crack.

My I turned on the big light in the backyard, and saw the branches on the ground. Oh, no! I thought, not again. I had let Nipper out just awhile before, but fortunately he apparently wasn't near the tree when it happened. When I stepped outside, he was just kind of staring at the tree!

It's not as big a branch as last time, but then again, the wind was hardly blowing. Maybe 15 mph. It must be the weight of the pecans, although two summers ago, we didn't lose any branches and there were many more pecans. I hope the tree isn't diseased or something.

So I guess this afternoon, I'll be trimming the tree. I'm going to go ahead and trim some of the lower branches too, so we don't lose anymore branches. I keep getting these weird thoughts that the tree is an omen for my cancer. The big branch came down just before my biopsy, and now this happens the week I get tests to make sure the cancer hasn't spread.

I'm sure my mind is just playing cruel tricks on me.

Right?

Be careful what you ask for

I said about a year ago I needed some change in my life, but this isn't quite what I had in mind.

The word came today from Dr. K -- it is as she suspected. The lump in my left breast is cancerous, but the lymph node under the arm is OK. That's some good news at least. I will still have some tests a week from tomorrow to make sure it hasn't spread, but it was a relief to get that news this afternoon.

Ironically, I have felt better this week than I have in months. Lately, I have just been really negative toward a lot things. I hated my job, was mad I bought a house so that it would be more difficult to find a job elsewhere, hated that my mother living with me also kind of tied me down, hated that I can't lose weight, blah blah blah.

I'm sure part of that was concern about the lump. I found it on Mother's Day, and I kind of put off going to the doctor about it. I kept thinking it was nothing, it would go away, etc., knowing full well that was not the way to approach this. Then I kept thinking about Michelle, a high school classmate. She had been having a pain in her back and kept going to a chiropractor. When she finally went to a physician, she found out it was cancer, but by then it was really too late to do anything. She died just before our 10th class reunion. She was the sixth person from our class to die. I didn't want to be the next one people sadly shook their heads about.

And I'm not going to be. I'll be at the 25th reunion, the 50th, whatever. Well, I'll be around when they roll around, I don't know I'll bother going back for them.

Difficult talk

We told my dad today about the cancer. Or rather Mom did. I just don't think I could have said the words to him. His parents both died of cancer and from things he's said over the years, I think it's what he fears for himself the most. I don't imagine he ever thought one of his kids would have to face it before he did.

He took it rather well, much better than I had feared he would. He was very supportive, and I'll probably need that in that in the coming months.

Anyway, I'm grateful to have that out of the way. Now we just need to tell my brother. We left a message on his answering machine, so he's either at work or sleeping (he works various shifts and we don't always know when he's working). So I guess that will come later tonight.

I am a little annoyed with one of my co-workers. She called another co-worker who's been at home recuperating from rotator cuff surgery and left a message on her machine: "I don't know if you heard about JunO, give me a call." Judy knew I was going to a former co-worker's wedding in another town yesterday, and from StP's message, she had no idea if I'd been in accident or what. So I'm not only upset at how StP told her, but also that she told Judy. Telling people should be my decision, and I wanted to tell Judy myself, in person, and StP ruined that. Tomorrow I'm going to have confront her, I guess.

Well crap

There's stronger words for it, but what's the use?

I had a biopsy on the lump in my breast today. The doc (who's been doing this for 15 years -- "boobs are us," her nurse said) is pretty sure it's cancer, based on the sonogram last week and just looking at the tissue sample she took today. The tests will be back Tuesday or Wednesday. I guess the bit of good news is that when she took tissue from the lymph node under that arm, she said that looks normal. So maybe it's just in that one area. If the biopsy comes back positive, then there'll be an MRI to make sure it hasn't spread, then chemo to shrink the thing.

Strangely enough, I am very calm. Maybe somewhere I knew what it would be, and was subconsciously preparing myself for it. Telling friends at work was tough. Telling my brother and especially my dad will be tough. Dad especially worried about cancer, since both his parents died of it -- his father from lung cancer and his mother from some abdominal cancer (I never knew specifically).

Tomorrow, I have a friend's wedding to go to. I haven't seen her much since she and her fiance moved to Connecticut, where she got a job. I'll have to tough it up. I don't want to bring such a downer on her special day. She said she'll be around town next week and will drop in at work probably Wednesday. I'll tell her then.

It was quite annoying when I told one co-worker today and she starts asking some probing questions and tries to give me advice -- that I should get the lumpectomy right away and then chemo, which is directly backwards of what the doc said today is the preferred method of treatment. Just because you're sort of the health beat reporter, StP, doesn't qualify you to give medical advice. Maybe I should report her for practicing medicine without a license. Ha.

And can I just say damn, those biopsies make your boob sore!

Crappy week

Well, this week has sucked. Aside from Monday's wonderful news, Tuesday night we had an unexpected windstorm. Even as the winds were howling outside, the Weather Channel's forecast said only gusty winds up to 35 mph were expected. Well, excuse me, but I don't 35 mph winds would cause a healthy, almost 30-foot pecan tree to drop a limb that was about 15 inches around at the point it broke!

The wind started up around 11:30 p.m., or a little later and just blew and blew ... probably a constant 30-40 mph. It was really getting on my nerves and I tossed and turned and worried about the trees and the house. I got up once or twice and tried to go back to sleep. Around 12:35 it got real bad. And a few minutes later, I heard a ripping kind of sound. At first, I thought it was the trash can blowing across the cement patio. But it would have been blown over and rolled, not dragged. I sat up and looked out my bedroom window to the backyard. The pecan tree does have a couple low branches that as the pecans get bigger cause it to touch the ground, but even in the darkness I could tell something wasn't right. I got out of bed for a closer look and my heart started to pound. I went to the back door and turned on the halogen light above the breakfast nook windows and gasped! The biggest, tallest branch on the east side had fallen! I started to get sick, physically sick.

It didn't look quite as bad in the morning light, but the sight still made me nautious. I cried a little about it (and other things) on the way to work.

The tree guy — the same guy I called to clean up the dead elm when it fell during a storm almost exactly a year ago — came today (or at least his crew of youngters did) and hauled off the fallen limbs, pruned the branch and did some trimming and thinning. They also hauled off the 20-foot branch that fell from the old cottonwood and the dead tree down by the creek that also came down during the windstorm. Haven't gotten the bill yet, but Mom offered to pay half.

The pecan tree looks unbalanced now. Like it grew up against a wall, almost. It makes me sad to look at it, but I guess I should be grateful it wasn't worse. No one was hurt, no damage done to the house. The garden underneath the pecan tree will have less shade, but maybe the plants won't be worse for the wear. The birds don't seem to notice what's missing. Since I started writing, a robin and oriole have each taken a turn at an evening serenade. I'll get used to the look. I don't want to, but I guess I will.

Too young

So I have a lump in my breast. And now I'm supposed to go get a biopsy. I'm 36 years old. I shouldn't have to hear the word "biopsy." I think everything will be OK, but a part of my mind keeps drifting to how will I react and what I'll need to do should I hear the "C" word. It's kind of strange to find my thoughts as I'm driving or sitting at my computer at work and thinking about getting chemo or making sure my affairs are in order, as they say.

But I'm trying not to think about that, keep a positive state of mind. I'm young. There's no history of breast cancer in my family. I'm fairly healthy. So it's not likely something to worry about, right?

Anyway, in other parts of my life, the job is boring as hell. I'm a page designer for a small Midwestern newspaper, and it's pretty dull. Not so much because not much happens around here, but because I do the same boring pages every week. I mean, really, can't one of the men do the damn wedding page once a fucking while? Just 'cause I'm the girl paginator, I have to do the lifestyle crap? And yes, I said something about this to my boss, and he hasn't done a damn thing about it. But he doesn't done a lot things he said he was going to do, so I shouldn't be too suprised.