Here we go again!

The sirens went off once again here -- there never was an actual tornado warning, but about a half hour ago, the sheriff's office ordered the sirens after a weather spotter reported rotation in the clouds about 2 miles west of here. And not too long later, they said on the radio spotters reported a funnel right over town! This time we acted like real Kansans and looked out the window. We saw it, too -- a small, ropelike funnel not too far south of the house!

It started coming down more from the clouds, but as it moved east, it quickly broke up and there weren't any others. That's really the first time I've seen a funnel cloud up close. There was once in college when my roommates and I were driving back home from Wal-Mart when a warning was issued. My roommate who was driving said "let's go look," and we took we a detour to the west end of town. We saw three tornadoes, all in a row, on the horizon. I was excited, but my roommates got nervous and we headed back home. That day, though, one of those tornadoes did hit a house out in the country. No one was hurt, but a family lost their home.

Anyway, things are calming down now, and there's actually some blue sky out west. There's more storms out west on the radar, but they don't look as bad. So excitement's over for the night, it looks like.

Memorial Day

red poppy 2.JPG
Originally uploaded by junogle.

I scattered a mix of wildflower seeds last fall near the creek on my property, and now have a whole bunch of poppies. Poppies have long been associated with veterans and war dead, so I thought it somewhat appropriate to post for Monday. Escuse the focus, though. There's more poppy pictures and garden pictures in general in a new set at my flickr page.

Memorial Day Weekend

It's been a quiet one. We don't publish a paper on Memorial Day -- that and Labor Day are the only two days -- so I have Monday off. I haven't had a lot to do. I finished up the foundation garden I started about a week ago in the front yard. Planted a hydrangea and three lupies I got through a mail-order catalog (they had a coupon). The hydrangea is only just about 4 inches tall, and the lupines were bare roots, so there won't be much this year. But maybe next. I also planted some purple salvia that mom had bought but decided they might get too bushy for where she was going to plant them.

Other than that, and some mowing on the hill, which I will finish tomorrow, I haven't done a lot. I still am trying to figure out what to do with myself without a dog to look after. Nipper was always my reason for taking a walk, but so far I haven't been able to get out and do that on my own. He was always a good excuse to go sit in the sun or the shade outside. You just don't realize how much something is a part of you until it's gone, I guess. But both of us are learning to get along.

I'm not sure when I'll get another dog. I'm still missing Nipper too much. Plus, I'm having to look seriously at getting a second job to help pay off some bills. I'll probably do some looking next month. I have my class reunion to go to on the 9th, and I was thinking of taking some of my vacation time to help mom do some of the stuff she wants to do at her house, where my dad lives (yeah, I know, it sounds weird).

I'm trying to read "Devil in White City," about a serial killer at the Chicago World's Fair, but it puts me sleep after a few pages. So now it's by my bed. So now I started on a mystery novel, "Stalking Ivory." The protagonist is Jade del Cameron, a writer/photographer in the 1920s in Africa. The setting is different than most mysteries I read, and so fair it's pretty good. The author is from Kansas, too.

So other than reading and maybe laundry tomorrow, I don't have a lot planned. We'll probably have Dad over and barbecue some chicken or something tomorrow.

Nervous night

Always nice to end the night on a nerve-wracking note. Not.

We'd been watching the Jesse Stone movie on the local CBS station to keep tabs on the severe weather. Mostly it was out west of us, but progressing our way. And around 9:30 or so, off go the sirens. Now of course the big joke is that when the sirens go off, good Kansans head out to go watch. Well, memories of Greensburg are still a bit too fresh, so we headed to my closet -- with no basement it's probably the closest thing we have to a shelter.

We grabbed some important things and went to the closet with the portable radio and hung out there for awhile listening to the heavy rain and then came the BONK ... BONK ... THUD of very large hail -- up to tennis ball sized, according to the news reports. I believe it, because when we did take a look outside several minutes later, there were still some large hail stones in the yard. Things seemed like they were quieting down when the rain picked up and more hail starting coming down ... and then the sirens went off again. I wouldn't be surprised if they did that in an attempt to keep people at home instead of driving around gawking.

Doesn't seem to be much damage, but I'll go take a peek at the roof when it's light in the morning and see if I can tell if there's any damage. Not that I'm a expert or anything, but the roof has been through one big hail storm since I bought the place, so maybe another will mean a new roof is in order.

Anyway, it's quiet now, and I'm pooped, so it's off to bed.

Puppy picture

First snow
Originally uploaded by junogle.

This is one of my first photos of Nipper. Sorry for the resolution, but I had to get this off my Web site. I hope to find the original print. He's about six months old here, and it was his first snow. Note the bit of snow on the end of his nose -- even up to last year, he would wind up looking like that from sticking his nose in the ground and snorting around for whatever he could underneath!

One week

It was a week ago as I write this that Mom, Dad and I were taking Nipper to the vet for the last time. It's been an up and down type of day for Mom and I. Little things have sent us into tears, but we've also shared some good and funny memories of him today. I found some more pictures and am uploading them to flickr now. Mom has some on her computer that I want copies of, and I'm sure I've got some she doesn't have either. I'd just like to get them all together for now and save backup copies on disk.

I have gotten four sympathy cards this last week. Who would have thought that? One was an e-card from a friend; one from a co-worker and her daughter, who recently lost a dog as well; one was from the vet's office, signed by the staff and included a little pin of an angel dog; and one was from some friends who lost their dog last year (she called me at work, too, after getting my e-mail about Nipper. That was sweet). The last two came in the mail yesterday, so when I got home from work, I ended up having a good cry (again).

Haven't done anything yet with Nipper's ashes. I haven't put away any of his things, either. Mom's last week at work before going into (semi) retirement is this week, so maybe after that's over and she doesn't have to sleep during the day, we'll have a little "memorial service" and do something. Maybe we can grill some hamburgers, and toss out the bites of burger and chips we would have given him along with his ashes. Something for the road. I'm kidding, or course. Sort of.

He's home

I brought Nipper home one last time today. Or rather, his ashes. The vet's office provided a nice litter silver urn for him. There's not as much as I thought there would be, but I guess I didn't really know what to expect. And yes, I looked inside. It's morbid, I know, but I also wanted to know how concerned I had to be about what would happen if I had to stop the car suddenly (the cremains were in a bag inside if you must know).

I'm not exactly sure what I want to do with him yet. Right now, the urn is sitting on top of the TV cabinet. Probably most of the ashes will be spread here at home, along the creek, where he liked to spend so much time. Maybe I'll spread a little bit in some of the other places he liked to go -- in the park a few blocks from a home, and maybe at the small campground/lake here in town. Maybe I'll keep some. I'm not sure. I could always have a diamond made from him. That seems kind of weird, though.

I do know I will get another dog, maybe two, I just don't know when. I have to be able to separate missing having a dog from missing Nipper, if that makes any sense. It just wouldn't be fair to get another dog right now, because that dog (or dogs or cat or whatever) will never be NIpper, and that's what I wish I had. But the day will come when I'll want another animal around. Ever since buying this house, which is in a town about 15 miles from where I work, I thought it would have been nice to have another dog so Nipper wouldn't be so lonely during the day, espcecially when Mom wasn't around. But Nipper didn't like too many other dogs, and never would have liked another dog on his "turf." But maybe next time, I will think about a couple of dogs. It's just too soon right now to really think about it.

It's getting better

I did OK at work today, at least until a co-worker, just before I left for lunch, handed me an envelope addressed to both me and mom. I told her I'd open it in the car, and good thing I did, because it opened some waterworks. Her daughter picked it out, she said. They lost a dog themselves not too long ago, one not very old even, so they know how I feel.

The hardest is being at home. Nipper was so much a part of what we did around here. Get up in the morning, let him out, let him in, share part of breakfast. When I got home from work, I took him for a walk. Now, I don't really know what to do with myself in the evenings. I picked up a couple of books at the library, but I don't feel like reading. I did make myself get on the exercise bike for about 10 minutes. I need some exercise, after all. I suppose I should go for a walk on our usual routes at some point -- there are several people we saw on a fairly regular basis who would want to know Nipper is no longer with us. Like the "cheese lady" who, when she saw us walking by would go inside her house and come back out with a slice of cheese for Nipper. If she wasn't outside, he would slow down as we walked by and stop to sniff whatever he could, occasionally glancing at her door. Then there's the boy who, at first, seemed kind of lonely, and liked to pet Nipper, and we would talk occasionally. He has more friends now, but would always stop to pet Nipper.

And of course, there's the pizza guy. Probably won't feel like ordering pizza for awhile, though. He would wave at us if he saw us out walking.

Reflecting on this makes me realize Nipper wasn't just "my" dog. He shared at least a little bit of himself with people who loved me or just knew me, even remotely. That's quite a dog.

New photoset

Christmas 05
Originally uploaded by junogle.

I posted a set of photos of Nipper at my flickr site. They're some of my favorites. I'm sure I'll add more as I find them.

Difficult day

Today was hard to get through. I didn't sleep well, and woke up about half an hour before my alarm went off. Normally if I did that, as soon as I stirred, a tail would be thumping on the bed nearby, and when the alarm would go off, he would usually get up and come lick my face until I'd get up. Or sometimes, Nipper would wag his tail a couple times, then take a long stretch and snuggle closer to me -- or maybe he was trying to get more room on the bed!

I had a hard time telling people at work -- there were a couple I told, and others noticed something wrong. At first, I could barely choke out the words, but talking about him helped. So did the two pictures of him I have taped to my computer. At first I would tear up when I looked at them, but it got easier because those pictures helped me remember better times.



But then it was hard when I was on the way home and knew he wouldn't be there to greet me. And I broke down when I told mom it was hard not seeing him lying on the porch, watching for me. She said she swore she felt him lying on the bed next to her at one point today.

And now here I am on the computer instead of trying to put a collar and leash on a dancing, barking dog. Looks like I'll have to look to myself for some motivaiton to get moving. One thing about a dog, you can't NOT get some exercise with one around.

The days will get better, one by one, I guess. One day down.

Nipper, July 1994-May 13, 2007

My best friend is gone. He died this afternoon, while Mom and I were out running errends. He had seemd ... normal yesterday almost, chasing the rabbit that comes in the yard and doing his little happy dance and barking when it was time for our walk. This morning he was OK, but he seemed to be taking things a little slow.

We took him to the vet's and she did an autopsy. We hadn't been home very long when she called with the report. He'd had a large tumor on his liver, and there were smaller tumors inside the liver. The large one had ruptured, filling his stomach area with blood. She said it happened very quickly and would have been painless. I had noticed lately, I can't say exactly when, then when he lay on his side, his side seemed to have a bit of a bulge. But I know I shouldn't blame myself. He seemed healthy ever since about a year and a half ago, when he first showed signs of liver problems. He had been in for two yearly checkups since then, and the vet never suspected anything either. I can't blame her. He seemed healthy, and she would really have no reason to suspect. She said that even if she had opened him up on Friday when I took him, there woldn't have been anything she could have done.

Nipper will be cremated, and I'll pick up his ashes later in the week. I'm not sure what I'll do with them. Probably, eventually, I'll spread them here, along the creek he loved to explore. When I first got him, and we lived in small apartments, I always told him one day I'd have a house with a big yard that he could enjoy. I'm glad I was able to do that.

You'll probably have to excuse me over the next several days, as my posting will probably be all about him -- stories I've probably told before and photos you've seen, but he was my best friend for almost 13 years, and it will take some time to adjust to life without him.

Good news!

A few weeks ago, I had some blood drawn to have some tests done to see if I have a genetic mutation that contributes to breast cancer. I just got the results in the mail, and there were no mutations detected!

Having the mutated genes could more likely mean I'd have a reoccurance, so it's a relief to know that likelihood is greatly decreased. Plus, when my doctor discussed with me about having the test, she said if it were positive for mutations, it would affect any future treatment, including preventive measures like having a hysterctomy. So good news on several levels!

Nipper

I had to take Nipper to the vet this morning. Last night he threw up several times, even though he hadn't eaten for almost a day. It took him awhile to act like he was feeling better, too. So I talked to my vet last night and she said to bring him in for some tests.

I dropped him off before I went to work, and then worried all morning, especially when she didn't call. I was hoping that no news was good news, but I was also concerned that she had something she didn't want to tell me over the phone and was waiting until I came by to pick him up.

It was good and bad news. She had gotten him to eat a can of dogfood and keep it down, so that's good. The blood test, however showed his liver enzymes were way up. She did a sonogram of his belly (poor guy has a shaved tummy now) and said there is a small abscess on his liver. She couldn't feel it, though, so it's very small and she said it doesn't move around much. But this is similar to the problem he had a year and a half ago, so she said it's something that is obviously progressing.

So next week she wants to take a closer look. Lilke actually opening him up and looking at it herself. I trust her, though, and I'm sure that even with his age (13), he'll do OK. She'll likely do a biopsy then, but since it's small, I'm hoping for the best. She told me of a cocker spaniel patient of hers who has had a liver abscess for three years, and does quite well except for an occasional episode.

So it's good in that it's not likely something that's life-threatening. But on the other hand, he may not be the same spunky pal I've had for years. I've kind of been trying to prepare myself for this the last couple years as he's gotten older and dealt with arthritis that slowed down a bit, but I imagine the weekend might find me shdding a few tears ... and getting them licked away by my long-time pal.

Shoulda got some film

I had planned to over the weekend, but forgot, and so of course there was a reason to get a picture just a bit ago. I had just sat down to eat my dinner at the computer and looked out the window to see a male wood duck perched on my pole-mounted birdfeeder. I've had ducks come around, but they've never actually gotten up on the feeder like that, just checked out what was on the ground. He had a mate, but she stayed on the ground. She did get under the fence and waddled around the yard a bit before she flew off and he followed her.

Nipper is doing much better. He got sick again late Saturday night and threw up some dogfood (which I found with my foot in the dark), and still wasn't feeling well Sunday morning. I let him sleep Sunday, and fed him some cream of wheat, then some chicken and rice for dinner. He loved that, of course. Tonight, I made spaghetti for my dinner and gave him a bit of hamburger. We took a short walk after I got home from work, and he got tired, but was doing OK.

Tonight, not much is on the agenda. A former high school classmate who is putting together a presentation for our class reunion wants some pictures and info, so I'll see if I've got something to send. Then I'll probablly do a bit more prep for my interview. I have a packet of forms to fill out, and I'm trying to brush up on what's going on with the company and what they do. Plus, try and get some exercise in somewhere, since it's nicer in the mornings to give Nipper some extra love and attention before I go to work. Yeah, I'm like putty in his paws.

Greensburg

While I was having a quiet night last night, the people of Greensburg, Kan., were living through hell. About 9:45 p.m. a tornado, reported to be a mile wide, literally destroyed the town.

I've been watching the coverage on Wichita stations (well, two of them. Where are you, KSN?) and it's just amazing. From the aerial shots, it looks like only the grain elevator is left standing. The downtown is gone and most of the homes are flattened or damaged beyond repair. It's a prety scary reminder of just what can happen.

Right now, there's another storm heading for Greensburg. Hope everyone there will be OK. We've got a storm warning where I live now, too, but I think I'll just get the western edge of it where I am, and they're saying there doesn't appear to be tornadic. But later on could be another question. I've already got my portable radio, Nipper's leash and some other things by the door in case it turns bad and I need to make a run for Dad's house, where he at least has the cellar and a small hallway that's in the middle of the house. That's one bad thing about my house -- pretty much all the rooms have at least one exterior wall, so there's not an obvious place to go in case of tornado.

It's quiet

It is nice to have the house to myself, although once in a while it just feels too quiet. It is kind of nice to have someone to talk to once in a while. At least someone who will talk back. I talk to Nipper all the time but the conversation is kind of one-sided.

I should be mowing the back yard right now, but I got hungry and decided a hot dog cooked over a fire would be good. I'd have dad over (since he gave me the fire pit for Christmas), but he said his allergies are making him feel not so good. Maybe next week. So I'm sitting here as the wood in the fire pit is slowly trying to burn and about a dozen turkey vultures watch me from the big old cottonwood on my property. They don't perch there often, but it's neat when they do. Once in a while, they ust feel crowded because one will seem to push another off a branch, and it will soar around for a few minutes, then return.

Nipper seems to be doing much better. He had a bad little episode last night, bad enough I actuallly called my vet's emergency number to talk to her. She recommended an aspirin to help the pain and help him relax enough to rest, which it did. He seemed fine this morning, so I took him in this afternoon for his scheduled annual checkup. She said everything seemed fine -- she didn't feel anything strange and all his vital signs are OK. So maybe he just ate something bad. Imagine that -- Nipper eating something he shouldn't.

(Oops. Had to restart the fire in the fire pit, and also now all the turkey vultures have flown the coop.)

Took Nip for his evening walk, and maybe we should hae gone earlier while it was still cool. It warmed up pretty good late this afternoon after the clouds went away. We're supposed to be in line for some severe weather, but it looks like all the thunderheads are building up north and west of us, which means we'll miss out.

I guess mowing is on the list of things to do tomorrow. Even if I get ambitious and do the back yard tonight, I still have the hill to do. I did one part of it last Sunday and already you can't even tell. Also tomorrow I'd like to at least start on getting a new flower bed prepared. I bought some things through a catalog that had a $25 coupon in it, so I'd like to start something out front between the porch and the garage.

Well, the fire is burning pretty good, so it's time to get cook dinner I think, followed by a s'more for desser. The mowing can wait until tomorrow!

A bit worried

Tonight was my support group meeting, and I was scheduled to be the program, talking about the Web site and Yahoo group I set up for us. So I came home, planning to let the dog out for a bit, grab my computer and head back to town. Except when I go home, Nipper seemed a bit sluggish. I thought at first it was just because he'd been sleeping all day, but then I noticed a spot on the carpet where he'd thrown up. And I noted he was kind of groaning when he breathed. He didn't even want his nightly treat. It was like about a year and a half ago, when the problem turned out to be his liver. It was really hard to go to my meeting, but I didn't feel like I could back out on such short notice either.

Fortunately, when I got home from the meeting, he seemed to be feeling a little better. He was on my bed and seemed perkier. We even went outside and walked around along the creek and on the hill for a bit. So we've just been taking it easy tonight. He seems OK, just tired now.

Haven't heard much from Mom in a few days, although my dad said he'd talked to her last night. She was in western Texas, not far from the Mexico border, and in country that didn't have much cell phone access, let alone Internet access. She'll be heading to my brother's before long, so we'll probably get an update then.

In other news, I got the official invite to my 20th class reunion. Ouch.

Quiet night

I actually have the TV off and am just kind of enjoying the sound of a flock of bluejays calling to each other.

It's been pretty nice these last few days. I got a lot of mowing done on Sunday -- also got sunburned on my shoulders and they still hurt. We've been doing OK while Mom is out traipsing around the southwest. Dad comes over to let Nipper out during the day, and he's been getting good walks when I come home, and then plenty of loving to make up for being left alone all day.

Tomorrow is my support group meeting night, and I'm giving a bit of a presentation on the Web site and Yahoo group I've put together. So I guess I better do some updating and take a few notes here in awhile so I might sound like I know what I'm talking about.

Today I gave my boss some news that I'm sure he'd rather not have heard. I have a job interview set up next Friday with a local electric company. It's a new position they're hiring for -- "external affairs specialist." They're looking for someone to do writing, presentations, etc. I don't have a lot of experience in preparing those kinds of things, but I think I've got some good basic skills and software is pretty easy to learn. And their ad specifically mentioned a background in journalism would be helpful.

It's not that I don't really want to leave the newspaper business, but I just question if what it's becoming is what I reallly want to do. We had a meeting this week about new directions we'll be taking, and I'm not sure I like it. There was a lot of talk about "new products" and doing things that are "just good enough." Quantiy over qualiyt. Very little talk about the product we're making now (a source of news) and making it better. And believe me, there's lots of room for improvement. I'm only 38, and I'm starting to feel like a dinosaur in my profession. It doesn't really matter to me what format the "newspaper" is in, but it should be good. And we're not taking the time to do that.

Plus, it's time to move on. For nearly two years, my life has revolved around cancer. Finding out I have it, test after test after test, finallly starting treatment, getting through chemo, having surgery, more chemo, getting over all that and then checkups where I'm stressed about what if it comes back. It's like my life has been under control of others -- the doctors, the nurses, my mother. It's time for me to take it back.