Better today

I'm doing good today, so far, at least. Not as tired as yesterday, but I still feel like I need a good nap here in just a bit. Started to feel a bit nauseous at dinnertime yesterday, but took one of my pills and that did the trick. Stayed up long enough to watch "RockStar:INXS" (go, Jordis) and went to bed shortly after. So I'm staying home from work today, although I might drip in for a bit after I get my shot this afternoon. Or I might go to Orcheln (a farm store) and see if they have any decent straw hats I could wear while doing yardwork, since some of the drugs I get make me more sensitive to sunlight.

One of Mom's co-workers brought his riding mower out while I was getting treatment yesterday and mowed the west side of the yard for us. I thought was pretty nice. Didn't get to meet him, since I was so tired, but I'll have to get a thank-you card she can take to him for me. And one of my co-workers said he'd take our lawn mower into town to see if what ever's wrong with can be fixed under warranty. If not, we'll probably just get it hauled back and up to a neighbor on the other side of the creek who does small engine repair. I think it's just an oil leak, so hopefully it can be done under warranty.

Anywhoo, Mom's got the backyard all mowed now, and is fixing some lunch. Then it'll probably be naptime for me.

Later

doing ok

Had my second treatment this morning. Again, I pretty much slept through the whole thing. Got home about 12:30 and went to bed rigt away and woke up around 6 p.m. Had some cream of wheat of for dinner, and a chololate shake awhile ago. Still pretty tired and I have a headache, so I think I'm going right back to bed, if I can get through to vote for Rockstar:INXS.

More tomorrow.

Good to go

Tomorrow is my second chemo, and after today's blood test, everything is OK to go. I'm a bit anxious about how I'll respond to treatment this time. They'll adjust my dosage on the medications so I my white blood cell count hopefully won't bottom out like last time. And if it does, they'll know what it'll take to get it back up. I just hope the nausea will be about the same as the first time (almost none). I hope it's not worse, and I hope I don't get any worse effects, like the mouth sores and stuff.

At least my treatment will be in the morning, so I'll have all day to rest up, and hopefully, I'll feel fine to go back to work on Wednesday. Hopefully, but I won't push it.

We're slowly getting caught up on the yardwork, now that I've been able to go out and help a little.

The hair continues to fall out. I'm getting a bald spot on the right side near the front, and the rest of the top is really thin and fine, like baby hair. The back isn't too bad. Maybe it'll stay, and it'll least look like I'm just trying to be cool wearing my skullcaps.

Hurricane Katrina: I only know one person in that area, and I heard he evacuated. So I hope all of you or your loved ones in that area are OK, and your homes, too.

Today's forecast

Clouds of hair, continued hair showers.

This morning, noting how thin my hair was getting,
I decided I'd put today's skullcap on before I
left the house, instead of letting my hair finish
drying on the 20-minute drive through the
countryside and putting it on at work. But I
didn't want the hair that's there all wet
underneath the cap, so I grabbed the blowdryer. As
soon as I pointed it at my head, though, a cloud
of hair appeared above me. It got caught in the
drafts of the ceiling and exhaust fans, and just
kind of circled around above me for awhile.

I had to laugh. I don't know if Mom will, since
she's having to run the vacuum cleaner about every day!

Just another day

My brother is at home after his surgery, vegged out on the couch, it sounds like. He came through pretty good and I'm sure he'll be back to normal in no time. My dad is there with him for about a week to help out, so that'll be good for him.

Today was not that eventful. I wore my Snoopy scarf for the last half of the day at work. I was a bit apprehensive about it. I don't know why, because everyone has been pretty supportive. Even a couple of the younger guys at work commented it looked nice -- actually "lookin' psychedelic" and "lookin' colorful." Some of the guys, especially the younger, not long out of college age guys in the office haven't really said much to me since I announced I had cancer. I wonder if it's because being younger and not married, thinking or talking about a co-worker's breast gives them the willies or something. It's the guys who have been married for at least a handful of years who don't have much problem talking to me about it.

The hair continues to shed and it is noticeably thinner, I think. Wearing something on my head kind of helps keep me from brushing it off me constantly. Plus, I should get used to it. And let others get used to it.

I bought one of those iron-on transfer kits for ink jet printers. I'm going to try to make some custom-designed headwear. Maybe I'll post some of the designs later.

All in the family

My big bro, Jim, is having gall bladder surgery today, so send some good vibes out for him.

Back to some kind of routine

I can't begin to describe how great it was to get back to work today. And that's a sentence I never thought I'd say about my current job. There's a lot that's wrong with where I work, mostly corporate hoo-ha that makes me want to puke, but have someone tell you that you cannot do something and you realize how important it is to you. I'm grateful to have a job, first off, but also because of the people. Everyone was pretty great, making sure I was feeling good and doing OK and making genuine offers to help, whether it was coming over to help with yardwork or just taking me out to lunch to keep my spirits up. There's even talk of a "bandana Wednesday" (along with the guys' "Tie Tuesday" and the "Tropical Thursday"), just to show some support. That means quite a lot.

Something a bit disheartening happened today though. I stepped out of the shower only to find I had a bit of a hairy chest. Only it was hair that had formerly been on my head. And all morning, I was brushing hairs off my shoulders. But it turned into a nice event, as I went to get my hair cut short during my lunch break. The stylist and I talked about my cancer and people we knew who had also been through it. And when she was done, she wouldn't let me pay. I teared up a little as a I got out to the car. A complete stranger doing something like was amazing. I'll definitely go back to her at whatever point I need a haircut again. Might be awhile, but I'll go back.

Yeah!

Lab work report today was excellent! I can go back to work tomorrow!

Can't get my therapy

I think the hardest thing about this past week and dealing with the low white blood cell count is that I can't even really get my preferred therapy -- working in the yard. Whenever I've felt down before, I could go always go outside and pull some weeds or trim the grass around my flowerbeds, deadhead some wildflowers and spread the seeds, and then later sit back with something cool to drink and enjoy the yard. But the don't want me working in the yard, since my immune system is so compromised. And so I get to sit and watch Mom do it. Or at least try, because with her schedule, chauffeuring me back and forth to the cancer center every day, the heat and the good mower that needs to get to the shop, the yard has gotten overgrown. The backyard is well over six inches tall, the weeds are choking out the groundcover we planted on the hill and the front and side yard is started to look a little ragged.

My yard isn't gloriously landscaped by any means, but we like what little we've been able to do so far. And now it's hard to enjoy when I see Mom working hard out there in the heat, doing what she can each day, while the rest creeps on behind her.

If my count comes up, maybe next week I can get out and help if I take a few precautions like wearing gloves and long pants, etc. But for now it kind of hurts that I can't do anything.

I'm an oddity

That's what my nurse at the cancer center said today. They've never had a patient whose white blood cell count bottomed out like mine. She explained the formula they use to figure out the count, which I didn't follow enough to relate here, but the number they look for in order for a patient to get chemo is 1,500. Monday, she said, mine was at 90. The lowest it got was 70. So I have had next to no white blood cells in my body. Scary though, huh?

The good news is that it started coming up finally! And it's up a bit more today. They're still taking it day-by-day, so at this point I'm not sure if I can go back to work Monday. I may not know that until Sunday. Or maybe even Monday, if I have to have lab work done again that day.

And, if I get my count back up to where they'll let me go to work, I might not have to be separated from everyone, unless someone I work in close proximity to is sick. Someone sick across the room would be OK, as long I keep contact to a minimum.

I might have to go through this all again the next time, but at least they should have a better idea of what to do.

It worked

Yay! My white blood cell count is up ... just a little. But it's good to hear some good news, no matter how small. I still won't be able to go to work tomorrow, but maybe by Monday I'll be back to an acceptable level. At work, they're trying to come up with a way to deal with this, should it happen again. I don't know that I'll be able to work from home, because apparently that would take a lot of server space due to security concerns. I'm not sure how well it would work to separate me from the general work area, because frankly the ventilation system there scares me. My current workstation is right under an air vent and once in a while some piece of fluff consisting of who knows how many years' worth of crud will come floating down on me. Go in a smaller area like the bathroom and the vents look a cat is laying against it. And even though the building is zoned, with different areas having their own thermostats, I don't think they're actually separate. Someone sneezing in the newsroom might get to me anyway. It's all very frustrating. I miss seeing my friends.

Good feeling

That white blood cell count is coming up. I can feel it. All night, I visualized little white arctic bunnies multiplying and running through my body. This morning when I woke up, my temperature was down to almost normal -- 98.8 -- from the near-100 it had been running at.

So I've got a good feeling those bunnies, er, cells, are multiplying too.

Later

How low can you go?

The hospital just called with the results of today's blood test. My white blood cell count is at 0.8. Holy shit. They don't seem real concerned, just tell me that if I start running a fever I should go to the ER. An online friend who had breast cancer a couple years ago told me today hers got around 2.3 for a couple weeks and they were concerned.

Some good news is that at work, they said they'd check into getting me set up to do some work from home. I think that would help because I've been kind of down about not being able to help with the big deadlines going on this week, or seeing my friends plus just having something constructive to do. Especially today, where the only thing on the local channels was the BTK sentencing ALL DAY.

Send some white-blood-cell increasing thoughts and prayers my way, OK?

Frustrated part II

It'll be back to the hospital today, for a new shot and then more lab work on my blood. I've been taking my pills, getting lots of rest, eating well. Those damn little white blood cells had better start multiplying like rabbits.

I'll update later today, hopefully with better news.

Frustrated

Heard back from the hospital on today's blood count, and my white blood cell count is even lower than it was Monday. I am so pissed! I was wanting to go back to work, I want to work in my garden, take my poor, faithful dog for a walk ...

Cancer sucks. Don't get it.

Setback

I did finally get some sleep last night, after taking half of one of anti-nausea pills. It was amazing the difference it made. Not only did I physically relax, but I was mentally relaxed, too. Even though I didn't get a full night's sleep, the sleep I did get was restful, and when I was awake, I didn't fret and worry and toss and turn.

I felt pretty good when I did get up this morning, but took a turn soon after getting to work. I started to lose my voice, get fatigued and cold. Normally, I think it's cold where I work and end up wearing a sweater inside year-round, but this morning I had to borrow a heavy jacket a co-worker keeps at her desk and wore both hers and mine.

I went in for my first weekly blood test this afternoon and when they called with the results, they said my white blood cell count is really low, which is a problem. So now I have three new pills to take this week in hopes of getting it back up. If it's too low, not only am I more susceptible to catching something, but they can't treat me either. So, I'll be home from work, which isn't great because we've got the Back to School issue to put together and run Thursday. I feel kind of bad about it, because that's a lot of work and want to carry my fair share, but everyone at work does seem to be understanding about it. But still.

I've got to take care of myself, though. That's the important thing.

Rough one

Today was a not so great day. I've had trouble sleeping, and this morning, it really got to me. I've had occasional sleepless nights before, but never a full-blown case of insomnia. It had me worried that there's something wrong, and of course one bad thought leads to another when you can't get to sleep. Did I overdoo it exercising? How can I have a "normal" life if I'm too tired to go to work? If I can't work, what about my insurance? And so on. Maybe I should have called the cancer center's hotline myself when it started to get to me early this morning, but I let Mom do it late this morning after we'd both gotten some sleep. Turns out one of my nausea drugs I can take if I have just insomnia. It should say "or" on the label, not "and." Thanks, drug companies.

I think the hardest part of it was having to ask for help. It's not that easy, especially when you learned to rely on yourself at a young age. I'd come home for lunch during grade school and there'd be no one there, so I'd make my own lunch and make sure I left in time to go play with my friends at recess. It'd be Mom & Dad's bowling night, so my brother and I were left on our own many evenings to keep ourselves occupied (remember the big, green ashtray, bro?). I taught myself to ride a bicycle. So having to ask someone for help means I'm at a place I'm not comortable being. And it's hard to admit I'm there, especially this soon.

Fortunately, Mom's been real understanding. Get mad if I have to, cry if I have to, she said. But you know what? It's really hard to have a good cry when you've got a cute dog who'll lick your tears away.

Whew!

Got some exercise in today, and I hadn't actually realized it's been almost three weeks! Three weeks since my poor dog really had a walk, and even longer since I'd tried doing some yoga. It was tough. Nipper and I got about a block away from home and I started feeling winded! We made it to the park, about four blocks, and I let him off his leash to wander around the creek and the park on his own. He was a good boy. He didn't get very far away from me, and even though he wanted to go wander around town, he obeyed when I called him back. On our way back, he walked slow for me, even. I don't know what I'd do without him through this. He's 10 years old, and I worry he won't be with me much longer. He's been a good friend, and I need him now more than ever. So stay healthy, hound!

I tried some yoga, from a tape of a show on the Health Network that they conveniently put on at 5:30 a.m. I have about two 8-hour tapes worth, so it should last me awhile. I think I'll stay away from those moves that mean supporting my weight with my arms. It didn't hurt, but I could feel my port in my chest. I think I'll just stick with the stretching type moves and maybe work on some upper body work starting with my one-pound weights. Or maybe even just the motions. Just gotta keep listening to my body and not overdo it. That could be the hardest part of getting through this.

A good day

Today seemed to go well. I went to work and made it most of the way. I left a bit early, getting a ride home for a co-worker who lives in my town so Mom didn't have to make an extra round trip. Mom drove me in to work, since she had to get groceries today anyway, and I skipped my morning walk with Nipper to save some energy. Poor dog is going to get the short end of the stick on my bad days. But he's a been a good boy. Tuesday and Wednesday he stayed pretty close by me while I rested.

I caught him going for the bunnies awhile ago. Fortunately, they have all gone (one way or another). I peeked out the back door to check on him in the yard and he had one leg inside the little fence we set up. When he heard the door open he pulled his leg out and looked at me with the most innocent face -- "I wasn't doing anything, I swear!" Heh.

Maybe by Saturday, things will be more back to normal. It's supposed to cool down quite a bit, so maybe I can get a nice walk in with Nipper and take it easy the rest of the day.

Still a little run down, so I'll probably head to bed early tonight.

A small setback

I felt a little worse this afternoon. Mom took me in for my white blood cell booster shot, and when we got back she went to get some gas for the lawnmower, dropping me off at the door. I thought I was just tired and needed to lie down, but as soon as the door closed behind me, I suddenly felt worse. Like I was going to throw up. I lay on the loveseat for awhile, and poor Nipper came and lay down with me (he usually doesn't snuggle in the summer). I didn't puke, but I made it into bed and started having some chills. When Mom got back, I had her get me one of my anti-nausea drugs and took a long nap.

I feel a little better tonight, but took a couple acetaminophen for a headache. I'm probably going to head to bed early and see how I feel in the morning, whether or not I'll go into work.

Later,
JunO

So far, so good

A little tired and weak today, but that's the only problems so far. I took today off, so I slept in and have been taking it easy or napping all morning. Ate some cereal earlier and some toast and juice a bit ago, and not problems. I'll check in later today for a short update.

One down

I'm home from my first chemo treatment. Met with the doc first, and she said my MUMER test or whatever it was Friday turned out OK, so my ticker is good.

It was about as they had already described it for me, and the nurses went through each step and what all the side effects would likely be, which medicines to take when, etc. When they started one of the pre-treatment drugs, I got a bit light headed. Have you seen "That '70s Show," where Eric was in the basement getting high with his friends, and his dad calls him up the kitchen to chew him out for something, and all Eric can focus on is how the kitchen wallpaper is scrolling up or side to side while the clock and the shelves stary staionary? That's exactly what I saw. It was kind of cool, really.

Then I started getting sleepy. I think by the time they had finished "pushing" the second drug and started the IV drip on the third one, I was pretty well out of it. I had Dr. Phil and Oprah on, but I don't reallly remember anything about them. I don't think I'll actually be getting too much reading or writing or anything done during treatment itself.

Came right home and rested on the couch for awhile, then went in my room and took about a two-hour nap. I still feel a big groggy, but that's it so far. Ate a half a turkey sanwich with gaucomole before treatment and had some scrambled eggs this evening. Not feeling sick yet.

I don't feel too bad now, but I think I will go ahead and take my day off from work tomorrow. Hopefully I won't need much more than that, but we'll see.

So I'll finish this up and get back to "Rock Star: INXS." Jordis is singing "Layla." I'll have to go put my vote in for her later. And see about those downloads from the show they were talking about.

Thanks to everyone for the e-mails and encouraging messages.

Getting closer

I'm starting to get a little more nervous about my chemo treatment. But I don't really know why. I've gotten plenty of info, so I know what's going to happen, met some of the staff at the cancer center, and I'll have my anti-naseua drugs at home. Maybe it's just because this is something new and I don't know what to expect after. Will I get sick? Will it be right off, or will it be a couple days after? Will I be too fatigued to go to work the rest of the week? When will I start to lose my hair? How will I really react to that? Up to now, other than feeling a lump, I've got no physical signs I have cancer. Whatever reactions I have to treatment will solidify that I do.

But at least things are finallyl starting to move on. Before, all the poking and injecting and scanning was just more info gathering, really. Now the fight starts. I'm up for it, and I've got family and friends close by offering support and any help they can. Outside of Mom, I don't know how much actual help they'll have the opportunity to be, but just knowing people are there if we need them is a help in itself.

I got my first scarf:

It's from vintagepimp.com. They had some pretty cool stuff.

My goal for the day had been to get all my laundry finished and get my closet organized. I got that mostly done. I still have a load in the washer that I just never got around to hanging out or putting in the dryer. But the closet's pretty well cleaned up (I have a big, walk-in). I had also wanted to get all the cancer stuff organized into the expanding file I bought -- all the info about drugs, diet, insurance, bills, etc all together. Didn't get that done. It'll give me something to to do tomorrow night.

Tomorrow I'll probably stop by the library and see what book(s) I can get, and I got "This is Spinal Tap" from Netflix late last week. I've never seen it (not all of it at least), so maybe I'll watch it Wednesday if I feel up to having a good laugh.

I've gotten used to my port, pretty much. It doesn't hurt anymore. It just kind of feels like ... ummm. I'm not really sure. Sometimes it's like when you pull a muscle and you have kind of knot-like feeling in one particular spot. Other times it's like there's something rubbing against my skin ... only from the wrong side.

I know I've kind of rambled, but that's the kind of day it's been. Not real focused. I'll be at work tomorrow, so I can hope I can get it together. I've got to get a few things done before Tuesday in case I have to take another day or two off. If I don't feel up to posting an update after this week's treatment, a friend has offered to do that for me, so check in late Tuesday or Wednesday.

Later
JunO

Bunny!

Courtesy my pal, Jamie.

Getting closer

Met with the oncologist today, and had a bit of a surprise. She looks younger than me! She was very good to talk to, answered our questions, although she did seem a bit rushed. Maybe that's just because while checking in, I heard one of the office staff say her schedule was crammed.

But it feels good to know more. Friday, I have a heart test to make sure I don't have any hidden heart problems, since one of the drugs I'll be taking can actually cause heart problems. Then my first treatment is Tuesday afternoon. They have private rooms with a TV and VCR for the treatment, and I can always take the laptop to watch a DVD or do some writing. Plus, there's some reading I need to catch up on, so it doesn't sound like chemo will be too awful.

Ask me about that next Tuesday night, when I have my head in the toilet!

For those of you looking for details, I'll get on to it.

The drugs I'll be taking:

• Fluorouracil (5-Fu)
  
• Cyclophosphamide
  
• Doxorubicin

I'll get treatment once every three weeks, with the docs checking on the size of the tumor. Surgery will come after about 12 weeks of treatment, and after about a month to heal from that, another three months of treatment. I'll be on herception for about a full year, too, with weekly injections.

And now the fun part -- the side effects:

• hair loss
  
• loss of appetite
  
• mild rash
  
• darkening of skin (I'm pretty pale, so that might not be a bad thing!)
  
• nausea
  
• allergic-type reactions
  
• cold/flu type symptoms
  ... and my favorite
  
• red pee!
  

The doc also said some people develop a problem with the smell of cooking meat. I hope I don't. Meat. MMMMmmmmmMMMM.

Anywhoo, I guess that's about it for now, at least about the c-thing. Onto stuff that really matters: the bunnies! They've been out of the nest, hopping around the little fence we put up. When I got home, though, three of them were napping in the nest, all bunched up together. One of them had another's ass in his face, and there were feet, little ears and tiny, fluffy tails all tangled together. A fourth one was resting under the dusty miller. So cute!

One of our photogs came out to take pics of them this afternoon, in a desperate search for a photo for the outdoors page Friday, so maybe I'll have something to post tomorrow or Friday.

Better than I thought

Well, no seemed pissed I had to take a couple extra days off. Everyone was pretty understanding, in fact, and showed concern. 'Cept for the guy who brought the cold to work in the first place. He didn't really even acknowledge I was gone. So while he was there Monday morning, I made a big show of how much it hurt to cough, what with having a thing in my chest and all. **Cough*cough** "Ow. Oooh." **Moan, groan.** Just to rub it in a little.

I guess I tend to prepare myself mentally for the worst (that's what my driver's ed instructor always said to do). I psyche myself up (or down?) for getting chewed out about something at work, or pissing someone off, etc, and think about how I would respond (the fantasy, "take this job and shove it" response usually). And then when things turn out better than I thought, it kinda lifts my spirits. On the other hand, sometimes I dwell on the negative so much, it puts me in a bad mood, and then, yeah, I do have a crappy day.

With the cancer, though, I haven't been doing that. It's not like I've been imagining getting the worst possible news from the doc, or planning my funeral, writing my own obit, etc. I've actually been picturing this as being a breeze (I know it won't be). I just imagine that the chemo will be an opportunity to catch up on my reading, or finally writing my best-selling novel, and then a year from now, it's all just a bad memory. Even the possible hair loss doesn't worry me. In fact, I've been browsing for some cool bandanas to wear.

Tomorrow, I found out about my chemo treatment. I'll see the oncologist around 10:30 a.m. (I did so tell you about that appointment, boss, and I have the e-mail in my sent file to prove it!)

I've been going outside with Nipper for awhile at the end of the evening the last few days so he can do his favorite thing -- lay in the grass and occasionally bark at things -- without worrying if he's going to go check out the bunnies in the flower garden, and it's kind of nice. Even though it's been 100+ lately, by 10 p.m. it's pretty nice out. Thousands of crickets are singing in unison, there's still the occasional locust and then there are the Weird Sounds down by the creek. Last night it seemed to be a cantankerous great blue heron. Tonight is pretty calm, though. Just the sound of the wind through the leaves of my precious pecan tree. Very peaceful.

If my neighbor down the alley fires up his noisy truck at 1 a.m. again, I will take my baseball bat and beat the crap out that junker, though.