Missing out

Tonight, hundreds of people are walking, luminaries being lit, names being read. I'm not there and I wish I was.

Tonight is the local Relay for Life. There's a "survivor's victory lap" at the beginning, and I had wanted to be there. But, thanks to those small-label root beers I had at the new favorite restaurant last night, I had a massive headache that lasted from about 7 p.m. last night to 10 a.m. this morning. It was so awful, it had me feeling a bit nauseas this morning. Even though it did go away, the day at work was awful and busy and I never got a chance for a break, so I felt like that headache was just lingering, waiting in the tenseness in the back of my neck for an opportunity to hit me again -- like walking a lap around the track in the sun in 100-degree temperatures.

So I didn't go, didn't meet with the support group I've quickly grown to like, marching behind our banner and getting our picture taken. I kind of wish I had gone. Given the choice, I'd rather not qualify for this group or the survivor lap, but I do, and that support means a lot. So I feel like I'm missing out on something special, especially as this comes so close to the time a year ago when I found out what I would be facing.

On top of that, I found out tonight that an online acquaintance has made the decision to end her cancer treatment and is at home under hospice care. I don't know her real well, or even know that much about her life outside of her dealings with cancer, but she offered me advice and comfort when I first started down this path, and it's hard to keep the tears out of my eyes trying to think about what she and her loved ones must be feeling now.

I'd say tomorrow will be better, but I have to work.